Anchor Bay has released 3 DVDs of the 1980s TV movies that revived the character after the series had long gone. Then Universal sought to cash in, er, repurpose one of its many fine catalog properties by issuing a DVD with the extra-long pilot episode, creatively titled "Pilot," and a two-parter where David Bruce Banner actually gets married. That one is creatively titled "Married." If I had my way, I would have seen the actual series episodes first because my memories of the TV movies were...not good. However, the telefilms came out first. So I began my Hulkathon with the movie that gave us the first return of the Hulk to TV. It was called...The Return of the Incredible Hulk. You know, I'm starting to think the Hulk NAMED these shows.

Return got a big thumbs-up right off the bat from me because the DVD menu featured the best part of any screen Hulk experience, that depressing piano music. You see, as a kid, the best part of the Hulk CBS series may have been the two times every episode Bill Bixby hulked out and became Lou Ferrigno and then rampaged around smashing stuff. Now, as an adult, I realize what actually stayed with me was that gloomy music. The end of every single episode would have poor Banner/Bixby, having just screwed up his life for the umpteenth time, walking into the distance with his possessions in some kind of bundle. There was no reason for hope or optimism at all. Maybe a kindly driver would give a brutha a break and take him down the road a few miles. Then, you knew, it would happen all over again. This would all be pathetic without that "Lonely Man Theme," as it's called, the sad piano that accompanies Banner's "Oops, I Did it Again" walk. With the music, it becomes POIGNANT. The series had a formula, but it worked out nicely. Take The Fugitive, add a big green monster smashing stuff-what's not to like?

Return should have just played that music for an hour and 40 minutes. That and the cool Stan Lee bonus interview would have made me happy. Unfortunately, the movie itself decides that the Hulk isn't incredible enough on his own, so in the great comic book tradition, he teams up with the mighty Thor. There is nothing traditional about Thor in this movie, though. He looks and acts more like a shallow pro wrestler (yes, I wrote shallow pro wrestler) than the, you know, NORDIC GOD he is supposed to be. The lowlight of this movie is when Thor's human minder (don't ask me to explain) takes him to a biker bar so Thor can get drunk and carouse. I never read Thor much as a kid, but I don't recall his love of chicken wings in Asgard.

Next I checked out the movie where the Hulk is put on trial. Any guesses what this one was called? No, not Legal Eagles. It's The Trial of the Incredible Hulk. Only, the Hulk doesn't even go on trial. He just flips out a bit inside a courtroom during a cheesy dream sequence. What a rip-off! This blatant bait-and-switch move is even more aggravating than the lame characterization of Daredevil by Street Hawk superstar Rex Smith and the copout ending. I shudder to think that the reason we don't get closure in the battle against the Kingpin is because someone intended to spin off a TV series for Daredevil. Seeing Smith try to be a superhero by holding his hands out in front of him and occasionally cocking his head quickly made me long for Ben Affleck in a way I thought only Matt Damon could.

Then we get to the movie where the Hulk was killed. I would have given you a Spoiler Warning except that the movie is called, believe it or not, The Death of the Incredible Hulk. This is the worst of all Hulk TV movies, redeemed only slightly by Bill Bixby's "humorous" portrayal of a mentally simple janitor at the beginning. You see, Banner gets into the scientist's lab while posing as that janitor because he is close to a cure for...aw, who cares? If you actually put the word "Death" in the title of a movie, all anybody's gonna care about is how the death happens. I won't give it away, but let's just say there are no cool villains or cool stunts in this one. The death is so anticlimactic that I thought I was watching a deleted scene instead of the actual movie. Even more infuriating, they don't even play the depressing music at the end! What's the point of giving us the most depressing of all endings without that morose tune? I didn't felt sad that I had lost the Hulk. I felt angry I had lost almost two hours of my life.

Fortunately Universal came through with its disc of episodes from the TV show. This is the stuff. A younger Bill Bixby (called "Bix" by director/writer Kenneth Johnson, which really distracted me during the commentary) can really act, and Lou Ferrigno brings the "AARGH!" in these episodes. Of course, things turn out badly for Bix in each one, and of course we get to hear the music and the great opening theme and "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." THIS is what the Hulk is about, not pointless superhero cameos.

What did I learn form my journey into Hulkness? I learned that 80's nostalgia can only go so far. I learned that it is indeed possible to find a worse Daredevil than Ben Affleck. Most importantly, I learned that once you hear Bill Bixby called "Bix," you can never feel the same way about the Hulk. I also learned that the original TV series is not just something I dug as a kid, and I'll check out the reruns when Sci-Fi starts airing them soon. It may well be the most fun depressing show ever made.