In a special televised address to the nation today, President Bush accused Saddam Hussein of threatening the American way of life by exporting crappy TV shows that have made their way into NBC's popular "Must-See TV" lineup. "We have irrefutable evidence that links Hussein's evil regime to the chronic ineptitude of the 8:30 and 9:30 time slots on Thursday nights."

In making his allegations, Bush drew on intelligence reports, high school term papers, and numerous old issues of Variety. He announced the declassification of several Fall Preview issues of TV Guide, although it was not known how or when they had been classified in the first place. The address lasted about 22 minutes.

The exact nature of the link between Iraq and the programs mentioned is unclear, but the president said Hussein and forces loyal to him have been funneling money and what Bush sarcastically called "creative talent" to television producers for years. He said Madman of the People, a long forgotten bomb from 1994 starring Dabney Coleman, was the first show exported by the Iraqi dictator. "It created a devastating hole between Seinfeld and ER, confusing millions of Americans who merely wanted a decent show to maintain the flow of the lineup."

"The man has used chemical weapons on his own people, and he has demonstrated a proven interest in developing nuclear weapons. Well, we have found he has already developed weapons of mass audience erosion." Bush pointed to Good Morning Miami as the latest example, but he also highlighted connections with Hussein's regime and past bombs like Inside Schwartz. "The impact of even one of these bombs is devastating. Just one of these programs contaminates millions of Americans with its poor writing and bad acting. In their totality, the destruction brought on by them is impossible to calculate."

Foreign diplomats were guarded in their reactions to Bush's announcements. An administration official who wished to remain anonymous pointed to a "cultural divide" between America and the rest of the world. "It is difficult for them to understand the magnitude of this discovery," he said. "We mostly send them our good stuff for reruns, like Friends or Seinfeld. How many Frenchmen can understand the agony Americans have endured by sitting through The Single Guy?

Bush spoke of broad implications for network television if Hussein was not stopped. "Try to imagine the horror that would be created if he were able to infiltrate the great FOX network? A rogue show could singlehandledly wreck CBS' treasured Monday night comedy lineup. And ABC-well, they could be messed up, too. "

Administration officials, aided by CIA intelligence and certain staff members of Entertainment Weekly are pursuing links between North Korea's despotic regime and the recent barrage of reality shows, but Bush did not mention it in his speech.

Secretary of State Colin Powell is expected to take the new evidence, including a VHS tape filled with crappy NBC sitcoms, to the U.N. Security Council this week in an effort to achieve support for a war resolution. He hopes to persuade officials from the Nielsen company to testify alongside him.

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