The FBI defused a potential problematic situation yesterday when it arrested a rabid Jessics Alba fan who had threatened to "ruin the Internet" if the Dark Angel star went ahead with her plans to marry co-star Michael Weatherly. The fan's name is being withheld because his only 14. Although the Internet was never in any real danger, the FBI took his vague, rambling threats seriously because of his age and the assumption he was good with computers.

"We were taking no chances of losing one precious byte, or whatever you call of it, of the Internet," said an FBI spokesman. After a standoff lasting nearly 8 hours. negotiators finally lured the youth out with the promise of an autographed picture of Alba, although at the last minute the hacker upped his demands by asking for a pizza as well. Agents quickly accommodated his request.

An examination by FBI computer experts revealed minimal damage to the Internet. The troubled teen did manage to hack a Weatherly fansite, digitally adding several moustaches to pictures of the actor.

Fellow students at the youth's middle school described him as obsessed with Alba. They revealed that he adorned his locker and notebooks with pictures of the attractive young action heroine. He had reportedly been distressed since early May, when Alba announced her engagement to her Dark Angel co-star. Eventually he became so frustrated he took action, illegally gaining entry to several show-related websites and posting a statement:

"To Jessica: I am extremely disappointed that you have decided to marry this being. Not only is he undeserving of drinking in the rich awesomeness that is you, he is too old for you. Plus you clearly stated in Episode #6, at 29:13, that you were not interested in marriage. Not to mention the clue that I discovered in Episode 9, where your character passed by a sign that had the words "Don't Marry" visible on it for three frames."

Jessica Alba declined comment through a spokesman. Michael Weatherly told Cultureshark, "Tough break, dude. Get on a TV show and maybe you'll have a shot." Then he laughed forcefully and started whooping, "How lucky am I? Who's the man?" repeatedly until a reporter finally hung up the phone.

It is believed the fan will be released by the FBI after he teaches them how to burn copies of their CDs.

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