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By: Rick Brooks
The Lost Winona Ryder Tape

Even as the infamous videotape of Winona Ryder's alleged shoplifting escapade helped her cause to some observers, the Los Angeles District Attorney's office promised it possessed evidence that she has not only pilfered the clothing in question, but has actually stolen before. Many were skeptical, but Cultureshark obtained another video that prosecutors have been sitting on, and whoa, it is hot! Probably just warm because the prosecutors were sitting on it. Luckily, it still works, and after seeing it, well, we don't want to tell you what to think, but we burned our "Free Winona" shirts after seeing this shocking initial detour into a life of crime.

The video, which has been verified as having been recorded sometime around late 1996, begins with three women, Winona Ryder, an unidentified blonde woman, and an unidentified redheaded woman sitting in front of a large computer that is set up on a desk.

RYDER: OK, guys, you ready to listen to some tunes?

BLONDE: Well, yeah, Noni, but why are we sitting around your computer? Isn't your stereo in the other room?

RYDER: Hello! This computer has speakers. See? (She points to several speakers situated on a shelf above the computer)

REDHEAD: Are we gonna listen to computer files?

RYDER: NO! I mean, sort of, just watch. Winona takes the mouse and starts typing at the keyboard. In the back, barely visible on the monitor in the video is a Napster display.

RYDER: We just type in a song we want to hear and click on it, then we can listen to it.

REDHEAD: Whoa! That's cool, Noni.

BLONDE: But how do you pay for the songs? You give money to the computer?

RYDER: No, that's just the thing! It's all free! It's totally free!

BLONDE: Isn't that, you know, like stealing?

RYDER: No! It's just…spreading the joy of music online.

REDHEAD: It does kinda sounds like stealing to me, Noni.

RYDER: So what if it is? You think Dave's gonna be broke because I just downloaded this Soul Asylum song?

BLONDE: Oh, yeah, Dave, the one you-

REDHEAD: (giggles)

RYDER: Yeah, yeah, I know. I just like the song. Besides, if we GAVE him money, it's not like he wouldn't just piss it away on- She stops suddenly as the others stare at her.

RYDER: Well, anyway, there's nothing wrong with it. Who's it gonna hurt?

BLONDE: But you could just like, go buy a record store and not have to get all this stuff on a computer.

REDHEAD: Yeah, and we could listen to them in the living room and have margaritas!

RYDER: Will you guys lay off? Look, this song by Beck really rocks.

BLONDE: Beck? Didn't you two-(giggles)

REDHEAD: (giggles)

RYDER: AHEM. Do you guys have any requests?

BLONDE: I don't know. It seems wrong.

REDHEAD: Oh, come on, (name deleted)! It's just music! It's not like we're shoplifting! Right, Noni?

RYDER: Uh, yeah. (nervous laughter)

REDHEAD: I mean, it's not like we're walking into a store and taking 5-finger discounts on stuff on the racks!

RYDER: I love this song, don't you, (name deleted)? What should we download next?

BLONDE: How about that band, Foo Fighters? The one with the guy that used to be in Nirvana?

REDHEAD: (giggles) Hey, Noni, didn't you-

RYDER: Look, will you guys SHUT UP and listen to the song?

The 3 women bob their heads to the music.

BLONDE: Seriously, you guys, what if we got caught?

RYDER: How are we gonna get CAUGHT? And even if we do, like some jerk D.A. is gonna make a federal case out of a movie star getting songs-

REDHEAD: OOH! "Movie star!" Listen to Miss Thang!

RYDER: You know what I mean! Who cares?

BLONDE: I still don't know.

RYDER: Look, even if we somehow, some way got "caught," as you say-I'll just say I was doing research for a movie. Or that I was just listening to the songs and accidentally saved them to the hard drive-you know, that I never meant to actually TAKE them.

(Only music is heard for a few moments)

REDHEAD: Yeah, just enjoy all this free music: This is pretty cool, guys! Noni, how did you find out about this Nappy-

RYDER: It's Napster. Well, you know, it's funny, this kid started this, this, like young kid started the whole thing.

REDHEAD: Oh. My god, Winona, did you--

(RYDER blushes)

BLONDE: Ha ha ha! Oh, wow!

RYDER: Shut up, guys, he's really super nice, and he has this awesome music collection. Plus he's learning how to play this great bass guitar he showed me...

(At this point, the videotape ends)


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