Blair Witch Project 2

Situation: 

Already on video after bombing last year, this sequel not only didn't match the original, it made people resent the original. It turned the Blair Witch "phenomenon" into a fad that will be less fondly remembered than Rubik's Cube.

The MOLE: 

The Blair Witch.

Why: 

Irritated by all the ridicule by "smart" moviegoers who teased others for thinking it was "real," the creature refused to fully cooperate for the sequel. This forced the filmmakers to use a totally different, lame concept from the gritty realism of the first. It is rumored the Blair Witch is now trying to get away from Artisan and get a new deal with Miramax.

Friends

Situation: 

What? This isn't a flop! It is the number one comedy on TV, and many weeks the number one show! However, most would agree that the show isn't what it used to be and is on creative cruise control.

The MOLE: 

Brad Pitt: Marrying Jennifer Aniston hurt the morale of her female co-stars, particularly Courtney Cox, who was left to ponder, "David Arquette?" The result: A general malaise that has infected the set. Jennifer Aniston is still happy…but why should she worry about channeling that into the show? She MARRIED BRAD PITT! You didn't hear it from us, but we wouldn't be surprised if somehow the marriage even pushed Matthew Perry back into back into rehab.

Why: 

If the show gets off the air, more time for the two of them to be together. Awww!

The Super Bowl

Situation: 

The game did boffo ratings, as always, but was an artistic failure – a lopsided 34-7 win for the Ravens.

The MOLE: 

Giants QB Kerry Collins: Forget the Ravens defense, his key interceptions and miscues, done on behalf of Super Bowl advertiser Budweiser, ensured that fans wouldn't be concentrating on the game, and instead could go to the bathroom and get snacks during the game. This of course, freed them to focus on…the commercials. You might ask, wouldn't they be afraid people would turn the channel? Uh, do you KNOW what was on against the Super Bowl? Exactly. Neither did anyone else.

Why: 

The fact that Collins has had drinking problems in the past makes his Mole work for Bud all the more shocking. We won't speculate as to what Collins' motivation was.

Wallflowers' latest album, "Breach"

Situation: 

The follow-up to their smash "Bringing Down the Horse" has only sold a few hundred thousand copies, or what N Sync counting to ten would sell in an hour.

The MOLE: 

Bob Dylan: He managed to let his kid Jakob know, "Hey, it's OK, son. Talk about me. Admit the songs are about me." So Jakob did-problem is, his dad's OLD. Kids don't like stuff that is old. And they certainly don't buy records about stuff that is old. Be forewarned, Michael Jackson!

Why: 

Bob has accomplished everything in life and is revered as a genius. However, he was never a sex symbol like his son, and resents the fact, according to our inside sources. At least, that's what our inside sources thought he was saying. He could have been asking for a hamburger.

Finding Forrester

Situation: 

The movie was touted as an Oscar contender, but got virtually shut out and ignored at the box office.

The MOLE: 

F. Murray Abraham

Why: 

We don't have a motive, or any proof of this, but he was so mean in Amadeus, we have to suspect him.

Little Nicky

Situation: 

The $80 million Adam Sandler flick earned half that at the box office and is widely seen as a flop – Time Warner used it as a big scapegoat when restructuring New Line Cinemas.

The MOLE: 

Harvey Keitel: Playing the devil, Keitel had a particularly fiendish cover for carrying out sabotage on the film. If anyone suspected him, he could just chuckle and say, "Yeah, sure, blame the "devil."

Why: 

We have it on good authority that Keitel has decided to go less than 100% in any film that doesn't allow him to show his penis. Little Nicky will only be the first victim until Harvey gets even more opportunities to show off Little Harvey.

LeAnnn Rimes' "I Need You"

Situation: 

This album has pretty much flopped. Rimes herself proved she is not only interested in selling herself (although a glance at some of her outfits might indicate otherwise) by basically telling her fans the album was worthless filler and that they would be better off plunking down dough for yet another copy of the Faith Hill album (OK, we made that last part up).

The MOLE: 

LeAnn Rimes

Why: 

She may have pretended to be concerned that her record label was putting out a crappy product she couldn't artistically support. We know better. She is trying to minimize her music career so she can move on to her acting career. After all, music gets you a few Grammies, maybe, and the CMAs might be a nice evening out, but movies are where the real glamour is. Just ask Dolly Parton. So far, it's just a lame TV movie and a bit part in Coyote Ugly, but she has been forced to sing. By making people turn away from her music, she can get people to focus on what really matters to her – her bad acting.

Grosse Pointe

Situation: 

Despite time slot changes and desperation cameos from people from shows that people actually watched, this limp parody is sinking quickly.

The MOLE: 

Production assistant Carlton Spelling, 25-year-old great nephew of you know-who, turned down a lucrative recurring role on an upcoming Aaron Spelling TV series in order to infiltrate this show. He purposely delivered meals and snacks intended for cast members late and often left off their favorite condiments.

Why: 

Spelling hates anything that dares to make fun of him. Anybody who does a Love Boat movie had better do it with the dignity and reverence it deserves!

The XFL

Situation: 

Vince McMahon's new football league is setting record low ratings on NBC and has failed to capture the imagination, or even the attention, of most sports fans.

The MOLE: 

Dick Butkus. First he was going to be coach. Then he managed to work his way into the spot of Director of Football Operations. What key edicts has he made so far? Some might call it a figurehead role where he can just be himself and the XFL can take advantage if his name value. How naive "some" are! No, Butkus has infiltrated himself into a position where he can make sure the games suck, the broadcast suck...Who knows, he may have even had something to do with some of those god-forsaken uniforms.

Why: 

Simple. He has nothing against the WWF or Vince McMahon – at least not any more so than the rest of the world. Butkus never received the support he felt entitled to from NBC while starring as Klawicki on My Two Dads. He swore vengeance would be his after the suits refused to muscle the producers into using his vast script notes, including frequent suggestions to expand his character by giving him "more gorgeous young love interests." Stuck with the XFL decimating its Nielsen averages, NBC is finally being embarrassed by Butkus. And someone named Dick Butkus knows all about embarrassment.

Cindy Crawford's acting career

Situation: 

Well, after Fair Game, Cindy has "reprioritized" and is now focusing on other endeavors, such as raising a family.

The MOLE: 

Her mole: A close scientific analysis of Fair Game reveals two things: 1) It actually IS quite simple to tell William Baldwin apart from his brothers if you just concentrate, and 2) Cindy's mole was 5-7% larger in the film than it is now. The logical conclusion: The mole expanded during filming, creating a subtle difference that transformed a distinctive beauty mark into a subconscious monster that prevented audiences from fairly judging the actress. Any time Cindy tries to broaden her horizons beyond "lifestyle reporting" or things like that, the mole strikes again.

Why: 

Jealousy, plain and simple. The mole was in the spotlight when Cindy was modeling, but feared a decreased role – or even removal – if the acting thing took off.