JULY

1) Like Mike
Lil Bow Wow stars as a young boy who finds a pair of Michael Jordan's shoes and-what do you know? The kid is playing pro basketball like a champ. If his drive to become successful is not heartwarming enough, don't worry, he is also searching for a father figure. It's sure to put the "Awwww" in "Aw, yeah!"

Which of these personalities is most conspicuous by his absence?

Michael Jordan

Lil Bow Wow's mentor, Snoop Dogg

A real actor that can hold his own with the charismatic presence and magnetism of co-star Jonathan Lipnicki.

2) Men in Black II
Why do I get the feeling this movie is not all about black-but green? That Will Smith "Nod Ya Head" song makes me wanna BASH my head against the nearest wall. Hell, I'll SEEK OUT a brick wall to bash against after sitting through that.

What was the main reason for making a sequel to the 1997 blockbuster?

Several years ago, Congress quietly passed legislation making it a crime to "waste the delightful comic chemistry of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones."

Screenwriters worked with director Barry Sonnenfeld and came up with a fantastic way to expand the scope and ideas of the original.

Jada needed her own jet plane, too.

3) Powerpuff Girls
Why should you see this expanded version of a TV cartoon? Well, did you see Hey, Arnold? Uh, me, neither. That Recess movie? Me, neither. But hey, this isn't just a TV show. This is, like, 3 times as long! And you can't get 5 dollar popcorn at home!

Who, apart from teen girls is going to the theaters for this one?

A surprisingly high number of adult fans that are attracted to the sly humor and stylized visuals.

Anyone who has been bombarded by the Time Warner promotional monolith in the last few weeks.

R Kelly

4) Crocodile Hunter
Speaking of pointless big-screen versions of TV shows…The only reason to make this movie would be if Steve Irwin decided to become a crocodile. Or fell in love with an alligator. Or if Angelina Jolie shot Steve Irwin and the crocodile and spent the rest of the movie kicking everyone's asses. Suffice it to say I'm not thrilled about this movie.

This movie's release is proof that:

There is still a place in Hollywood for gentle humor about animals that don't talk.

Steve Irwin's most prized pursuit is the almighty dollar.

The day has finally arrived when every man that can prove he was born in Australia can star in his own movie.

5) Road to Perdition
In a real departure from his standard good-guy persona Tom Hanks plays a hit man in this Depression-era flick from Sam Mendes. We know this is a departure for Hanks because his character has a mustache.

S.A.T. analogy: Tom Hanks is to Paul Newman as:

Peter Scolari is to Robert Redford

Shrimp is to salad dressing

It's Hollywood. Most people don't even care if they can SPELL "S.A.T."

6) Reign of Fire
I don't mean to say Disney is trying to keep expectations low, but all they've been calling it is "the best dragonslaying movie since Dragonslayer!"

What is Matthew McConaughey's primary technique for killing dragons in this movie?

Kill them? Hell, all he wants to do is use their fire to light his joints

A sophisticated heat beam which he calls a "laser."

Lulling them to sleep with his soothing bongo playing.

7) K-19: The Widowmaker
This Harrison Ford thriller is based on a true story of a Soviet nuclear sub that faced a meltdown at sea-an event potentially even more disastrous than Six Days, Seven Nights.

What effect will this movie have on U.S.- Russia relations?

Do we even still have relations?

Positive – there is nothing like the nostalgic glow of remembering nuclear disasters together.

Disastrous if anyone over there gets to see Harrison Ford's idea of a "Russian accent."

8) Eight-Legged Freaks
If you don't like spiders-stay away from this film! If you don't like shlocky movies with C-list casts that try to be funny while providing some cheap thrills-well, come on, give this a chance. These people could really use your support, and the theater will be air conditioned, anyway. To co-star Kari Beastmaster 2 Wurher, this actually must have felt like making Citizen Kane.

Which of these disgusting creatures seen in the movie most repulsed test audiences?

Spideropagus, the black hairy spider

Spiderella, the black hairy QUEEN spider

David Arquette

9) Austin Powers: Goldmember
Many people thought the sequel to Austin Powers was better than the first one, but three times could be pushing it. Oh, what am I saying, Britney's in it! Of course I'm there! Somehow I think they could create entertaining footage just by filming an on-set conversation between her and fellow co-star Michael Caine.

What is the most disgusting thing about this film:

Austin's teeth.

Fat Bastard's – well, anything about Fat Bastard, really.

The fact that Mike Myers essentially got 25 million dollars to recycle all of the jokes from the first two Powers movies.

10) The Country Bears
Of all the attractions at Disney's theme parks, the only one that has not had a movie made about it is The Country Bear Jamboree. That would be a fascinating fact if it were true. Does my making it up make it any less compelling? Well, maybe the news that Christopher Walken is in this movie will be compelling. Oddly enough, I did NOT make that up.

Bottom line: Is this movie gonna suck?

Of course not, films based on amusement parks are always fun.

Is the Pope Catholic?

Does a Country Bear shit in the woods?

  AUGUST

11) The Master of Disguise
Dana Carvey-remember him? Really? You actually do? Anyway, he returns as a, well, a master of disguise who must stop some kind of kidnapping plot. Look, the poster has him sticking his head out of a giant suit like some CPA version of David Byrne, OK? How much analysis do you want?

The premise of the movie, which gives Carvey a variety of identities and personas, is designed to:

Lure kids into theaters with some family-friendly PG comedy.

Give him a way to do his George Bush impersonation for the 8 millionth time.

Help people forget they just paid 8 bucks for a freaking Dana Carvey movie.

12) Signs
This creepy exploration of the phenomenon of crop symbols is made by M. Night Shyamalan, who is one of the finest directors around today. Don't believe it? Just ask him! Mel Gibson plays Bruce Willis.

In this film, Shyamalan's standard "twist ending" turns out to be:

He steps out from behind the camera and says, "Well, I just can't top my other endings, folks. That's it. The end."

A stunning cameo by co-star Joaquin's brother, River.

Mel Gibson turns out to be dead, a woman, and his own father.

13) Spy Kids 2
They're back, it's a sequel, blah, blah. How many lame family movies are coming out this summer, anyway?

What gives director Robert Rodriguez his uncanny ability to work so well with child actors?

His effective combination of artistic creativity and patience.

The childlike mentality that only the man who brought us From Dusk Till Dawn can have.

The man has worked with Quentin Tarantino. Anything else is a breeze.

14) The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Eddie Murphy's science fiction comedy has been on the shelf so long, I think it uses "revolutionary" stop-motion photography. However, just because a film's release has been postponed a dozen times doesn't mean it stinks. The fact that it has Jay Mohr and Randy Quaid in it does mean that it stinks, however.

Which is the most logical wildly optimistic excuse Warner Brothers could have for bringing this movie out two years after it was made?

The crucial decision to change the original title, Pluto Nash, to The Adventures of Pluto Nash took years of market research.

The population has increased so much in the last two years, just think of the potential audience for it now!

They wanted to time it to match the 20TH anniversary of 48 Hours.

15) XXX
Vin Diesel is reunited with his Fast and Furious helmer Rob Cohen in this "update" on the spy movie. Apparently, Vin is an EXTREME spy. Ooh, wow! These guys think this can be sort of a hipper James Bond-style franchise. My friend, I know James Bond. I have seen many of his movies. You, sir, are no James Bond. Well, maybe Timothy Dalton-but not the others!

How can you be sure XXX is not a porn movie?

The MPAA rating is actually only R.

The plot is not sophisticated enough.

Vin Diesel's not a good enough actor to be in porn.

16) Simone
Al Pacino (Hoo-hah!) is a producer whose star actress quits during the production of his latest movie. He decides to whip up a "virtual" actress to take over. The movie is a hit and everyone thinks Simone is real. Who cares as long as Al says "Hoo-hah"? By the way, anyone who didn't get to unload all their Winona Ryder jokes when Deeds was released will get another chance because she is in this one.

IN "real life," producers will be hesitant to work with virtual actresses because they can't:

Justify the risk of developing the technology if a real "star" is not involved in the picture.

Get the kind of nuance and depth of emotion they can from flesh and blood actresses.

Sleep with them.