Esquire caused an uproar recently by publishing a half-fictionalized "celebrity profile" of R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe in its June issue. Many other media outlets criticized this latest breach of journalistic integrity. We at Cultureshark reacted differently, mainly because we have no journalistic integrity.

This is just the latest example of the new trend in celebrity "journalism" we identified in April with our Ashley Judd interview--when in need of a good interview, make it all up. Naturally, we decided to do the same with Michael Stipe, adding some typically bland fictitious responses to accompany our probing queries. After all, Esquire's biggest sin was not making up its story, but not making up any cool questions.

Cultureshark: So your guitarist, Peter Buck, was recently detained for causing a ruckus on an airplane-just as your album was coming out. Can't you guys just, like, give out free t-shirts or something?
Stipe: That's a personal matter of Peter's. I can't discuss it.

Cultureshark: I mean, seriously, I'd wear one around and stuff if you had any on you. You know, free t-shirts.
Stipe: Um, R.E.M. is not really about that.

Cultureshark: OK. I'll even take one with the name of that last album on it.
Stipe: (silence)

Cultureshark: Nothing? OK, let's move on. Are you totally pissed that U2 just had a huge album and a big night at the Grammies, while it looks like you guys, um, won't?
Stipe: We don't see it as a competition. We want to kick ass and sell records, but we want to make the best album we can. We feel we've done that.

Cutlureshark: On a personal note, the whole shaved head thing-was that a fashion statement or beating hair loss strategy? Either way is cool, bro.
Stipe: I've never felt comfortable with selling the music based on image.

Cultureshark: This from a guy who was in that creepy "Losing My Religion" video. Is it true that you guys aren't doing a real U.S. tour because you're as sick of playing that damned song as we are of hearing it?
Stipe: There are many reasons we aren't touring right now. We want to find ways of reaching the audience that are a little more creative than the big arena or stadium thing. We've done that.

Cultureshark: Uh oh, sounds like I reminded you of U2 again. Anyway, R.E.M. is a trio right now. No drummer. Is it true Bill Berry didn't really quit, but you guys booted him because you were afraid of being attacked by his wild giant eyebrows?
Stipe: We have actually done very well as a trio, and are continuing to explore new musical directions we couldn't have in the past.

Cultureshark: I'll take that as a "yes." Hey, what was up with you posting a sign outside your house in Georgia complaining about speed bumps?
Stipe: I was making a statement in my own way and trying to inspire discussion on the issue.

Cultureshark: I can never tell when you're being political or just messing around. But you know what? I always suspected "Losing My Religion" was about speed bumps.
Stipe: Well, that's for you to decide.

Cultureshark: We really should get to what truly matters--the music. When you sit down and make a song as annoying as "Shiny Happy People," do you just think of everything music listeners do to piss you off? Or can you just naturally write a song and make a video that grating?
Stipe: Sometimes people hear what they want to hear. It's not my job to interpret the music for everyone, and I don't think anyone wants that, anyway.

Cultureshark: Maybe not, but I sure as hell would like to know what you are saying in "Man on the Moon" about Newton and Darwin and apples and what-not.
Stipe: It's open to interpretation.

Cultureshark: No, I mean I literally don't know what the hell you're singing.
Stipe: (silence)

Cultureshark: You're a crafty one, Stipe. Speaking of "Shiny, Happy, People," did you get a lot of flak from the edgy alternative music crowd by doing "Shiny Happy Monsters" on Sesame Street? Or had you already pretty much "sold out" by then?
Stipe: It was just a fun project that I thought would be nice to do.

Cultureshark: Is it true you guys did turn down a gig playing at a prom episode of Saved by the Bell?
Stipe: I've never even heard of that show, and even if I did, I would never be on it after Slater left, anyway.

Cultureshark: Tiffani-Amber Thiessen: Pre-implants or post?
Stipe: No comment.

Cultureshark: Did you used to get a lot of smart-assed critics using words like "tripe" and "hype" and "cripes" in their reviews?
Stipe: I take reviews with a grain of salt. I'm more concerned with putting out an album that I am proud of.

Cultureshark: You know, because they rhyme with – uh, never mind. Let's get back to the personal stuff you hate talking about. Lately you've talked a bit about your sexuality, saying you have had relationships with other men. This is a two-part question: DO you really think anyone is surprised by this, and do you think anyone really cares?
Stipe: I am really weary of having to "categorize" sexuality. We all need to move on.

Cultureshark: You've been going around whining about being called older nowadays and pointing out you're only two years older than Cruise, three years older than Pitt, etc. I have a two-part question based on that:
  1) Are you just trying to be funny and
  2) If not, are you like some kind of vampire? You know, who can't see his reflection in a mirror?
Stipe: You know, I'm done with that. It's just not fair that I make one comment like that, repeat it about 20 times, and everyone makes fun of me for it. It reminds me what I loathe about this whole process.

Cultureshark: Hey! I enjoyed this interview! And don't forget--I actually LIKED "New Adventures in Hi-Fi!"
Stipe: You're right. I'm sorry for being snotty. Love the site, man, especially that "Backstage Ass." He's a riot. Keep up the good work and feel free to let everyone know Cultureshark is R.E.M.'s favorite spot on the web!"

Hey, it's our article, remember? Just because Tom Junod of Esquire is too dumb to take advantage of the situation and make up a bit about the star kissing his ass doesn't mean we are, too.