Animal Planet's newest smash hit (wait-has it ever had a smash hit?) is The Pet Psychic, a weekly series of encounters between Sonya Fitzpatrick and, well, a bunch of pets. It is entertaining enough, if you can get past the, shall we say, somewhat questionable premise. However, the network quickly realized that it just isn't a good cheesy show until you throw celebrities in this mix. With that in mind, it asked the pet-loving superstars of the world to come by and bring their animals for a session of psychic encounters. Here are the results:

(Will Smith accompanies Frank the Pug from Men in Black)

SMITH: Yo, Sonya, what's up?

SONYA: Hello, Mr. Smith. I see you have brought an adorable pug.

SMITH: Yeah, this is Frank, and we've been real tight, but lately, he's showing me no love. It's like he's tripping or something.

SONYA: You two work together, is that right?

SMITH: Yeah. We're in –

SONYA: He's telling me you were in a movie or something together?

SMITH: A little thing called Men in Black 2. Hello? Yo, you don't get out much, do you? You might want to, you know, take in a movie or something every now and then, get away from the animals, know what I'm saying?

SONYA: More importantly, I know what FRANK is saying.

(She crouches down to listen to the dog)

SONYA: Oh…Yes, I see. OK. Mm-hmm. (to Will) He's telling me that he feels you upstaged him in your scenes together. I'm getting something about a look you gave to the camera while he was giving his line...

SMITH: He knew about that?

SONYA: Oh, yes, and he feels very unappreciated by many of those he works with, but you in particular.

SMITH: That pooch said I disrespect him?

SONYA: He actually tells me "you show him no love."

SMITH: I'll tell you what, FRANK can trot his own 4-legged ass home today. What does he say about that?

SONYA: (deep breath) He tells me he regrets that it has come to this…

SMITH: Yeah, have fun doing straight-to-video, pugboy! As for the third MIB, don't call us, we'll call you, know what I'm saying?

SONYA: Frank tells me he realizes this is just bravado, but he still feels hurt by your words.

SMITH: Say what?

SONYA: He knows you really care about him despite the false front.

SMITH: He-he said all that?

(long pause)

SMITH: He don't know nothing. It's just an ignorant old dog, and I'm leaving.

SONYA: That's unfortunate.

(Will Smith storms offstage)

(Later, Steve Irwin brings out a crocodile)

SONYA: Well, here is Mr. Irwin. You call yourself Crocodile Hunter, is that correct?

IRWIN: That's right, ma'am, but I love the crocs! I only want to keep 'em out of the hands of POACHERS!

SONYA: Mm-hmm. But this here is Larry, and he's not very happy, is he?

IRWIN: No, ma'am. He's been a little down in the dumps lately. I told him he ought to CHEER UP and go face the –

SONYA: Mm-hmm. Oh, he's very upset about something, isn't he? Yes, he is. (SONYA leans closer to the animal) He is saying he feels hurt that you didn't consult him on your new movie.

IRWIN: Crikey!

SONYA: Yes, he had some, shall we say, issues with the script. Mm-hmm. there, there, that's a good crocodile.

IRWIN: Careful with him, ma'am. He's liable to snap your head off!

SONYA: Well, Mr. Irwin, he is trying to tell me something-

IRWIN: He's liable to take a chomp of you, ma'am!

SONYA: He wishes you weren't so high-strung around him, and he also feels-

(Irwin leaps onto the crocodile and wrestles with him)

IRWIN: He won't hurt you now, ma'am.

SONYA: I think perhaps our time together would be more effective if you did not actually grapple with Larry while he is trying to have a conversation with me.

IRWIN: I'm just gonna drag this rascal offstage where he won't hurt anybody!

(Irwin exits)

(Ozzy Osbourne comes out with several dogs and sits down across from Sonya)

SONYA: Hello, Mr. Osbourne. I see you've brought several of your pets-

OZZY: Well, I'm bloody tired all the [bleep] time and I can't sleep a [bleep]. This thing with Sharon is driving me [bleep] mad.

SONYA: Oh, yes, I am sorry to hear about that. Now, about your pets, Mr. Osbourne.

OZZY: I know I'm really [bleep] messed up because-look-my [bleep] hand's not shaking! I mean, that's the [bleep] first time in years my hand hasn't shaken.

SONYA: I'm quite sure that is remarkable, Mr. Osbourne, but I am not a psychiatrist. I am a PSYCHIC.

OZZY: I mean, doc, you gotta help me or I don't know what the [bleep] I'll do!

SONYA: Yes, well, actually, your dogs are trying to tell me-

OZZY: I think the dogs are as crazy as I am! Did I tell you that (Unintelligible)

SONYA: Yes, well, I am here to talk to your PETS, Mr. Osbourne.

OZZY: Talk to the [bleep] pets? (Unintelligible)

SONYA: And now that I hear your pets, they won't stop talking to me...yes,

OZZY: So you won't see me then? What in the bloody hell am I to [bleep] do, then?

SONYA: Could someone please come out and help Mr. Osbourne offstage? Thank you. Is Mr. Irwin still back there? With that net?

OZZY: (Unintelligible)

FADE TO BLACK

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