Then we provided an extra bonus and expanded it to 15 steps in honor of NBC's decision to lengthen Friends during February. That's right-we SUPERSIZED it! In other words, three of these steps may very well be totally useless padding-but we hope not.
- Admit you are powerless over your addictions and your life has become unmanageable.
Despite all you have going career-wise, you can't put it together, battling problems with, uh, boozer and painkillers (We'll accept that for now). You're wrapping cars around trees. Admit it, friend--you're out of control. Worst of all, you can't manage to show up on time to work with LIZ HURLEY. Something is wrong. And while you're at it, try to maintain a consistent weight. We can even handle Skinny Chandler or Giant Chandler, but not The Incredible Shrinking Chandler. That was messed up.
- Believe that a Power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity.
We aren't talking about God. No, Matthew, we suggest seeking the one Higher Power that might be able to talk some sense into you--your Whole Nine Yards co-star, Bruce Willis. If anyone knows about uncontrollable excess, it should be him, but he has learned from his mistakes. We haven't heard a new record album since 1987's "Return of Bruno."
- Resolve never to consider a sequel to Whole Nine Yards.
Since you'll be talking to Bruce anyway…OK, we admit this one is more for our well-being than yours.
- Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Actually, we may not to involve God in this. He is too busy with Robert Downey, Jr. Instead, turn your life over to the producers of Friends. They know what's best for you, or at least they do a lot more than whoever convinced you Fools Rush In would be your launchpad to movie stardom.
- Try to get an interesting storyline for Chandler, for crying out loud.
We're not saying the people behind Friends are infallible. Man, your character has been in a passive rut since becoming engaged. No wonder you are turning to drugs. It is tough on us just watching the show lately. Maybe you can turn all this into a Very Special Episode so everybody wins. You can call it "The One Where Chandler Sobers Up."
- Admit to God, to yourself, and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.
You can probably do this one by just going back on the Friends set and saying, "Hey, Matt? Holding up production and wrecking the season? My bad. Sorry."
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
These 12-step programs can be a tad repetitive, can't they? Tell you what, just go the cast and crew of Friends and Servicing Sara, as well as the studios. No brainer. And oh yeah, family and loved ones, blah blah blah. But if you get really technical, you could also apologize to the fans. We don't think you need to apologize to any of the trees you hit, but if it helps, go with it.
We even prepared a statement for you, specially tailored to your style and strengths:
"Could this BE any more embarrassing? Could I BE any more sorry?"
- Humbly seek to be rid of your shortcomings.
Your acting does tend to rely on some of the mannerisms over and over again...you know, maybe you could ask a Higher Power to give you some new expressions besides the raised eyebrow or putting your hands in your pockets and tilting your head. Maybe a goofy walk or something would help. Oh yeah, try to get of the booze and alcohol, too.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Wow, this is really close to number 7, isn't it? We think the point is, what good would it do to tell David Schwimmer you urinated in his trailer one time when you were drunk? It would only hurt him.
- Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong, promptly admit it.
This actually sounds like a pain in the butt. You'll be busy with your triumphant return to work. Tell you what, just reserve a few moments each day to think about what you did. Go sit in the corner or something, we aren't particular.
- Recognize that there are more entertaining scandals than those involving drugs and alcohol.
That scene is played out. How about sex? Aniston is married to Brad Pitt, so forget that. Courtney Cox is married to-well, Courntey Cox is apparently insane, so forget that. How about an affair with Lisa Kudrow? Isn't she still married to some doctor? He's not famous! Go for it next time you need to be scandalous.
- No matter how bad things get, no matter what happens with your career, never EVER do a stint on Hollywood Squares.
You have to remind yourself: There is always a better gig.
- Understand there are forces more powerful than yourself helping guide your destiny.
Here we mean Survivor 2, of course. Hey, lighten up about that, Matthew, NOBODY is going to beat that show right now.
- Carry the message forth to others so they can learn from your experience.
In other words, you will have to make hard decisions like: Does Barbara Walters get the first "comeback" interview? Or Katie Couric? What about the print exclusive? And in late night--Leno or Letterman? Just remember the important thing is that you reveal everything in excruciating detail to the public that demands celebrity gossip. For your own good, of course. Kinda goes with step # 7. Trust us.
- Resolve that you will actually spend more than ten minutes on the inevitable book of memoirs.
You should have some interesting material, so when you write Parrying On or Life Has Been Perry, Perry Good to Me or whatever, use it! Don't make us sit through another tired, ghostwritten celebrity bio. This is also very crucial to maintaining your recovery.
Follow this program and you will have a smooth road to recovery. You can do it Matthew – we believe it! Actually, we KNOW it. Anyone who can survive a stint on Growing Pains to become a success can survive anything.
