OK, future Academy Award nominees, now that we've all seen Halle Berry's emotional speech, can we stop with the BS about how the awards don't really mean anything? This year's show was too long, too Whoopi, too everything, but it had some nice touches. While it seems ridiculous to even pretend to give out more awards on a show that somehow felt even longer than Lord of the Rings did, we have to get it out of our system.

Here we present our own set of Post-Oscar awards we would like to bestow based on the telecast. Is it proper to present irreverent awards after such a powerful, sentimental evening? To quote Tom Cruise, "Dare I say it…more than ever."

The Charlie Rose Award for Distinguished Late Night Talk: Robert Redford. We're sure his speech had something articulate and poignant in it. Since it came more than 4 hours into the evening, we can't be sure. After midnight, even his dialogue from Indecent Proposal was sounding intelligent.

Special Presidential Citation for Phonical Achievement: Co-announcer Glenn Close, who needed three tries to say "Emmy" when Halle Berry won her award. Yeah, we're nitpicking, but she's a professional actress reading prepared lines.

Most Useless Piece of Information: The trivia bits Close and Donald Sutherland read about nominees and winners were sporadically interesting, but the audience wasn't exactly enriched by being told Best Song winner Randy Newman was the voice of the Burning Bush in The Three Amigos.

Nadia Bjorlin Award: Newman, who finally won after 16 nominations and constant losses. Yeah, this should be called the Susan Lucci Award, but we're so sick of that reference we named this for someone we actually like. She plays Chloe on Days of Our Lives and…er, at least people tell us that.

Best Looking Stars: The female category is a tie between Halle Berry and Kirsten Dunst. Has anyone pursued the theory that Berry actually got votes not because of her color, but, well, because she is hot? I am no expert on the males, but let's give it to Ryan O'Neal, who looked pretty damn good for a guy the tabloids were reporting would die over the weekend. And by "pretty damn good," I mean…walking.

Funniest John Williams Moment of the Night: No, it wasn't having to lead the orchestra and be gracious when he lost in the Original Score category – it was having to lead the orchestra in that stupid new J Lo song when Lopez came out as a presenter. Do you think he was singing to himself while waving his baton: "Is that your girlfriend…maybe we can be friends…"

Most Disappointingly Bland Winner: A Beautiful Mind screenwriter Akiva Goldsman could have responded to his critics with a big metaphorical "F you." Instead we get a gracious, warm acceptance speech. It's almost enough to make you think all writers aren't really bitter, cynical bastards who hold grudges.

The Lily Tomlin Incredible Shrinking Woman Award: Jennifer Connelly appears to have shrunk dramatically in the past few months. It's sad to say that we hope she's "only" starving herself. In a related award, Connelly's breasts edge out Jack Nicholson for the Most Conspicuously Absent award.

The "Must be in the Hosting Manual" Award: Whoopi Goldberg didn't let us down, making the obligatory "sly" reference to Moulin Rouge apparently "not having a director" (since Baz Luhrmann was not nominated). Luckily she kept her act fresh with original, inventive Viagra and Anna Nicole Smith jokes.

Biggest Surprise of the Evening: Goldberg came out in a maid's uniform at one point yet somehow resisted making a Hattie McDaniel joke.

Most Insincerely Sincere Presenter: Julia Roberts. OK, she and Denzel are good friends, but saying "I love my life" before announcing that his Best Actor win was a bit much. Of course, we wouldn't dare suggest she was trying to grab any of the spotlight. Nah, movie stars don't do things like that.

The "Honor Just to be Nominated?" Award (given to the least-applauded nominee): The Affair of the Necklace for Best Costume Design. It was so quiet, we could hear Ethan Hawke thinking. (In case you're wondering, he thought, "Huh?")

Who's That Girl? Award: Helen Hunt. OK, it was clearly her, and maybe we are the only people who thought she looked like she had gone beyond tanning/skin peels/brain transplant/etc. But we just like ripping on Helen Hunt.

"Do You Believe in Miracles?" Award for Biggest Upset: Jim Broadbent knocked off Ian McKellen for Best Supporting Actor. McKellen looked like he was sitting there thinking, "I did bloody Saturday Night Live for NOTHING."

Biggest Dis of the Evening: Director Arthur Hiller must be the only man in the history of awards shows to ever receive an award with the word "Humanitarian" in it and NOT receive a standing O. Maybe the room was collectively bitter over how bad The Babe was.

Lamest Jokes of the Evening: Naomi Watts and Hugh Jackman with the obligatory "short" pun introducing the short film awards. Bruce Vilanch throws out Hollywood Squares jokes better than that.

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