Our look at the Oscar fashions of 2000 was so successful, we got at least dozens of letters asking if we were doing it again. Fear not, we have returned with our esteemed panelists Backstage Ass, the ever-flamboyant Hugo De La Montreux of Beautiful People magazine, and the only Rivers female that will work with us, Joan's niece Penelope. Penelope Rivers would like to remind us that she is a whole YEAR older this time, which makes her 7 now.

Brad Diamond left our team after concerns that this project would "damage his chances of scoring" so we replaced him with unabashedly heterosexual and not afraid to be associated with this project Dave Lander of popular men's magazine Cool.

Backstage Ass: First up we have the Best Supporting Actor nominee Joaquin Phoenix, looking somewhat disheveled.

Penelope: He looks messy.

Backstage Ass: Would it be fair to say this look leaves you "vexed," Hugo?

Hugo: Oh, he can vex me anytime. But I wish he'd brush his hair first.

Backstage Ass: Supposedly he had just woken up and threw his tux on.

Dave: Oh, sure. (making air quotes) "Just woken up." Yeah. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

Backstage Ass: What are you saying?

Dave: Right, man. We "don't know what I'm saying." I gotcha.

Penelope: He looks messy!

Hugo: We heard you, darling.

Penelope: I can say what I want!

Backstage Ass: Turning to the female side, there was, from X-Men, Halle Berry.

Hugo: Halle is a gorgeous woman, but sometimes it looks like she's auditioning for XXX-Men! But she looked classy here.

Dave: I have it on good authority that Halle Berry was so hot at the Oscars that when she introduced Sting, he had his first orgasm in three months!

Penelope: I heard my aunt say there is no such thing!

Backstage Ass: Moving on, let's look at Winona Ryder. Winona finally got somebody talking about something other than her usual accessory-a grungy rock musician!

Hugo: Talk about your Lost Souls. Honey, what happened to that hair?

Dave: She's still pretty hot, dude. Time to do the nude scene, baby! Whoo!

Penelope: My aunt called her a bitch one time.

Hugo: Ooh, THERE'S a rare event for you.

Penelope: Don't be mean to me!

Hugo: Then of course we have that wacky Icelandic pop chanteuse Bjork. I hate to say her outfit is for the birds-so I won't say it!

Backstage Ass: Wait a minute, just who is the moderator here?

Dave: Is "chanteuse" Norwegian for poor dresser?

Backstage Ass: I thought she was just ACTING when she lost her eyesight in Dancer in the Dark

Hugo: Oh, I was going to use that line!

Backstage Ass: Well, that's what you get for taking over the panel.

Penelope: I got to see pandas at the zoo last month. I don't really like birds.

Backstage Ass: Neither do we, Penelope, neither do we. At least not at our major entertainment awards ceremonies.

Backstage Ass: Uh, moving on to another male celebrity, we have Russell Crowe.

Dave: Wait, wait, Hugo, allow me. Did somebody kidnap his STYLIST? Ha ha ha!

Backstage Ass: Very good, Dave. Nice job.

Hugo: So angry. So very angry. And no, I'm not gonna say he should be angry at his stylist!

Penelope: Who is that man? He's scaring me!

Backstage Ass: He's a famous movie star, Penelope, and he's just a little edgy because –

Penelope: Make him go away! Show someone else!

Hugo: He is so very angry. So angry.

Dave: Dude, we get the point. Why is he so pissed at everything, though? He's on top of the freakin' world, but just because he has relationship troubles, somebody tried to kidnap him, he can't get a moment's peace...he is all bitter?

Backstage Ass: OK. Here we have Jamie Bell, the young star of Billy Elliott.

Hugo: Normally, I say children should be neither seen nor heard, but if young men can look this elegant –

Backstage Ass: You know, we do have a child here.

Hugo: Oh, I didn't mean –

Penelope: Is he making fun of me?

Hugo: Sweetheart, when I make fun of you, you'll know it. Know what I'm saying?

Penelope: I HATE THIS! I'm leaving!

(Penelope Rivers storms off angrily)

Backstage: Hugo, did you have to provoke her like that?

Hugo: What a temper on that little girl! It's like working with Liz Hurley again!

Dave: Guys, guys. Tell me this: This Bell kid is like 15, right? What kind of tail do you think HE gets now that he's famous?

Backstage Ass: Well, we'll try to get Penelope back out here, but let's move along now to another female. It's Ashley Judd, going for the flapper look, apparently.

Dave: I wouldn't mind "flapping" her, if you know what I mean!

Hugo: Honey, you better get home as soon as you can after the show-I think Gatsby's left the light on for you! Oh, she does look elegant, though.

Backstage Ass: How about an Oscar couple? Of course I refer to the classically elegant Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I mean, everyone else calls them "classically elegant," so I might as well, too.

Dave: I have mixed feelings about them.

Backstage Ass: You don't they looked classically elegant? How about elegantly classy?

Dave: No, I mean, I still don't know whether to be like, "Yeah! Way to go, Michael Douglas!" or "Come on, Catherine, Michael Douglas?"

Hugo: Well, that's old news, but I thought they looked great here. Michael looked…oh, about 50 years young, and Catherine looked as young as she says she is. Oops! Did I say that out loud?

(Penelope Rivers returns)

Hugo: (humming)

Backstage Ass: That had better not be what I think it is.

Hugo: Nothing wrong with Elton John.

Backstage Ass: "The Bitch is Back?" Come on, have some class.

Hugo: What?

Penelope: I'm getting candy AND ice cream after we're done.

Dave: You guys wouldn't even buy me pizza.

Backstage Ass: Can we get back to the fashions? I tell you what, let's skip to our last red carpet celebrity.

Dave: Wait a minute! I got a Julianne Moore "red carpet" joke I've been waiting to use the whole time.

Backstage Ass: Well, she wasn't there. Instead, let's look at Jennifer Lopez.

Hugo: And it's easy to find her. She's the one showing her bazoobas off for everyone.

Penelope: Hey! You can see her boobies!

Dave: And God created woman. Folks, I am proud to be an American.

Penelope: I know ladies that got their boobies bigger. Did she get her boobies bigger?

Hugo: Honey, the only thing getting bigger is her booty!

Dave: No, that ain't the only thing getting bigger!

Backstage Ass: OK, OK. I would say this has degenerated if it had started out as anything. It's time to get out of here. This is Cultureshark's Backstage Ass...

Penelope: She made me promise I wouldn't tell anybody what the doctors did to her boobies…and her face...and her...

Backstage Ass: Saying goodbye from this year's...

Dave: Hey, man, couldn't you have recorded this in SP? I mean, I got this on freeze frame, and you can hardly see anything.

Backstage Ass: Hugo? Any parting shots?

Hugo: I just want to say to everyone-don't be afraid to be beautiful! Bring out the glamour. Unless your ass isn't right for the dress, in which case, have mercy on us.

Backstage Ass: So long from the annual Cultureshark Oscar Fashion Review. Thanks for your support, and if there's enough of it maybe we can get a uh, more mature Rivers family member.

Hugo: ARE there any?