BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Nominees: John C. Reilly (Chicago), Chris Cooper (Adaptation), Paul Newman (The Road to Perdition), Ed Harris (The Hours), Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can)

Who got screwed: Dennis Quaid for Far From Heaven. Maybe if he had been dying of AIDS and confined to a wheelchair, he would have gotten a nod.

Analysis: Want proof that the Academy gives too much credence to "playing against type?" Christopher Walken was really good as the nice schlub of a dad of con man Frank Abagnale, but why did the academy choose this over his outstanding work in The Country Bears? Speaking of actors in multiple films in 2002, John C. Reilly was in everything except Van Wilder, and I am pretty sure one of the deleted scenes on the DVD featured him. Since he is good in everything, voters could blend all his roles together and still want to reward him. This part seemed pretty small, though. Ed Harris is one of my favorite actors. As far as his work in The Hours…Ed Harris is one of my favorite actors. How can voters resist checking that box next to Paul Newman's name? Short of a mass Italian dressing contamination scandal, Newman will have that aura for as long as he's with us. Then there's Chris Cooper, who just did a damn fine job and created the most memorable character of all of the nominees

I'd vote for: Chris Cooper not only stole orchids in Adaptation…he stole my heart! (Aww!)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Nominees: Catherine Zeta Jones (Chicago), Meryl Streep (Adaptation), Kathy Bates (About Schmidt), Queen Latifah (Chicago), Julianne Moore (The Hours)

Who got screwed: Michelle Pfeiffer, devastatingly charismatic-or is it charismatically devastating-in White Oleander, would be a much better choice than Latifah.

Analysis: Will voter goodwill for Meryl Streep, who won her record 454th nomination for her crazy turn as Susan Orlean, be enough to overcome the Chicago wave of approval? Tough question. Wait, if you're reading this, you probably want me to take a stab at it, eh? OK, I say no. Zeta Jones was the best thing about her movie and its one cast member truly deserving of a statue. Even if she did marry Michael Douglas (No, I won't let that go). Julianne Moore was better and more notable in the other category she was nominated in this year, Best Supporting Actor. No, make that Best Editing-wasn't she nominated for everything this year? Kathy Bates was Most Nude Actress, and some may think a 54-year-old woman deserves something for stepping nude into a hot tub on camera. Well, what about those of us that watched it? What do we get? Queen Latifah is...the other nominee. It was a fun movie and she was adequate, but this nomination was the biggest head-scratcher for me since I borrowed my friend Rusty's baseball cap in 3rd grade (don't ask). Does she have a chance? Yeah, right, about as much chance as Bringing Down the House does of opening at 31 million bucks! (Editor's notethis article was written approximately around the opening weekend of Bringing Down the House, but not necessarily before it)

I'd vote for: Zeta Jones was unforgettable, so I would give her the vote over the excellent Streep.

Who will win: Z is for…Zeta Jones. Good for her, but why, oh, why, couldn't she have been Most Nude Actress?

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Nominees: Far From Heaven, Gangs of New York, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Talk to Her, Y Tu Mama Tambien

Analysis: Just be thankful the big Greek Wedding fiasco didn't get more nominations. This is a category where voters like to reward creativity, but Y Tu Mama is too out there. Plus it and Talk to Her will be penalized for having all those Spanish words in their screenplays. I seriously doubt that voters will think of Gangs, with its documented long rewrite process, as worthy, so that leaves Todd Haynes' tribute to unsubtlety, I mean Douglas Sirk.

I'd vote for: Gangs

Who will win: Far From Heaven fell off the radar in the last few months, and I think it's more an achievement of direction than writing. To me, "Far From Heaven" means a Steven Seagal marathon. Despite all this, go with a win for it here.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Nominees: Adaptation, About a Boy, The Hours, The Pianist, Chicago

Analysis: Some may say I am demeaning the fine nominated screenwriters by listing the movie but not the individual writers up for the honor. To them, I say…PBBT! Which isn't very creative, but that's why I'm not writing Academy Award-nominated screenplays.

I'd vote for: Adaptation is clearly the most inventive screenplay, providing brilliant insights into adaptation itself, but About a Boy was excellent as a pure adaptation. Tough call, but I'd go with Kaufman's adaptation, Adaptation.

Who will win: Adaptation gets its reward here. I can use the word "adaptation" all night, folks.

BEST DIRECTOR

Nominees: Martin Scorcese (Gangs of New York), Roman Polanski (The Pianist), Stephen Daldry (The Hours), Pedro Almodovar (Talk to Her), Rob Marshall (Chicago)

Analysis: Oscar Fun Fact: Roman Polanski would make history by becoming the first convicted statutory rapist to win a Best Director statuette. If he wins, he is reportedly planning to give an acceptance speech via satellite that will begin with him saying, "don't' hate the playa, hate the game." The only way Almodovar wins this is if the Bush administration decides to add it as a sweetener for Spain's U.N. vote. Of course, Spain didn't even see fit to nominate Talk to Her for Best Foreign Film, which puzzled many but really didn't affect me. It was an OK film with a few creative sequences but overall, I didn't get much from it. I think Stephen Paltry-excuse me, Daldry's The Hours was also made in a foreign land-the land of Melancholia. I don't discriminate against products of that country, but unlike the Academy, I also detect the strong influence of...Mediocrotiania. As for Rob Marshall, Chicago fans can point to its many accomplishments--sparking OJ trial nostalgia, making Richard Gere seem even more arrogant than usual--but superb movie direction ain't one of them. That leaves Marty, who really deserves it this year. Sadly, though, it will be seen as a lifetime achievement award. So what if it is, though? If I may quote Roman Polanski, "don't hate the playa, hate the game."

BEST ACTRESS

Nominees: Nicole Kidman (The Hours), Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven), Renee Zellweger (Chicago), Salma Hayek (Frida), Diane Lane (Unfaithful)

Who got screwed: Edie Falco, Sunshine State. A fine piece of acting in a fine ensemble, but the movie didn't garner much attention.

Analysis: It's getting to the point where Nicole Kidman is going to be honored every year unless we nip this in the bud. What, is the Academy trying to make Penelope Cruz jealous or something? Julianne Moore-wait, this is her second nomination of the night. Take what I said about her in the supporting actress category and think of something twice as funny. Renee was charming and sweet and incredibly affecting-in Nurse Betty. She was overmatched by her part in Chicago, but winning a Golden globe and a SAG award has to make Renee the favorite. What am I calling her Renee for? Who am I, George Clooney? Diane Lane will probably be punished by male voters for playing a character who cheated on her decent husband…and enjoyed it. In a perfect world, Hayek would be rewarded for baring it all and kissing other women and…oh, yeah, and her drive and persistence in bringing the worth biopic of Frida Kahlo to the screen.

I'd vote for: Salma. Oh, I'd vote for her again and again and again…

Who will win: Looks like Kidman beats Zellweger by (you knew it was coming) a nose. HA!

BEST ACTOR

Nominees: Daniel Day Lewis (Gangs of New York), Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt), Michael Caine (The Quiet American), Adrian Brody (The Pianist), Nicolas Cage (Adaptation)

Who got screwed: It's hard to say anyone got "screwed" by being beaten out by these five outstanding performances, but I would have liked to have seen Robin Williams recognized for One Hour Photo.

Analysis: Brody's performance was so outstanding I'm gonna do him a favor and try to think of an adjective besides "haunting" to describe it. Voting for a great old lion like Michael Caine would be a way to reward him for all the wonderful work he's done since…er, a few years ago, when he won a Best Supporting Actor award he probably didn't deserve. Nicolas Cage turned his career around by reminding everyone he's an actor, not just a Presley-marrier. Everyone talks about Jack Nicholson restraining his eyebrows, as if they were some independent force. Even if unleashed, though, they would be no match for Daniel Day Lewis' formidable mustache. People may want to reward the notoriously intense man who gave us Bill the Butcher. How committed was he to the role? He actually gave up watching The Young and the Restless because his character would never have watched it.

I'd vote for: This vote is even tougher than choosing the co-captains of my high school intramural basketball team. Unfortunately, thumb wrestling is not an option here. I would vote for Day Lewis and regret I couldn't give an award to Cage.

Who will win: Nicholson does it again. At least the Lakers might actually get beat this year.

BEST PICTURE

Nominees: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Chicago, The Hours, Gangs of New York, The Pianist

Who got screwed: Adaptation. A great movie that may have been a little too hip for the room.

Analysis: Many Academy voters consider many factors when choosing what gets their votes for Best Picture. They look at a film's artistic merit, its prestige, its potential to stand the test of time, previous awards won, and its popular and critical recognition among other factors.

Me, I just like to decide which was the best picture. In this case, it is, was, and should be Gangs of New York, but for some reason, it's going to be Chicago. I didn't even like The Hours, and many of you know how I feel about Lord of the Rings, but fortunately I believe we're safe from them. The Pianist is a worth possible spoiler, but get ready to hear "All That Jazz" an awful lot on Sunday night.