SHREK

Despite Dreamworks' wishful thinking, no Best Picture nomination.

The likely story: While extremely popular and well-received, the film was ultimately seen as simply too lightweight for this honor-besides, the new Animated Feature category will provide a reward. Oh, yeah, plus rival Disney controls the 33% of the world not run by Microsoft or the shadow government. Hey, that's no conspiracy, just fact.

Conspiracy theory: Hollywood is determined to teach Mike Myers, who is constantly bailing out of projects, a lesson. Or maybe they're trying desperately to force him to drop that Scottish accent.

MEMENTO

Snubbed for Best Picture despite making countless best-of lists, including my cousin Steve, who called it the "most friggin' unbeleivable movie of the whole friggin' year!"

The likely story: Voters just "forgot" about this one. HA HA HA! OK, we got the memory joke out of the way early, let's move on with the article.

BAZ LUHRMAN

His Moulin Rouge was nominated for Best Picture-yet he gets no Best Director nod.

The likely story: Hey, some director gets screwed like this every year. Since Ridley Scott's Gladiator won Best Picture but he lost Best Director last year, he got the sympathy nod this time for directing Black Hawk Down. Luhrmann may also take the blame for providing hundreds of cases of motion sickness to people that screened the movie.

Conspiracy theory: Academy's obvious bias against-uh, what is Baz Luhrmann, anyway? Well, his name sounds foreign. There's your conspiracy. Robert Altman sneaked in because he's still technically American.

BILLY BOB THORTON

Had arguably one of the finest acting years ever-well, at least by a man named "Thornton"-with great work in The Man Who Wasn't There and Monster's Ball

The likely story: Well, you could say the movies never really connected, but Halle Berry was nominated for Monster's Ball, so it's quite a puzzler. Best guess is the only way they could think of to get back at him for releasing that godawful CD.

Conspiracy theory: Academy voters faced heavy pressure from a strong green vegetable producers lobby, which resents Thornton's orange food diet.

COEN BROTHERS

Their acclaimed neo-noir The Man Who Wasn't There was shut out of the major award categories. They didn't even get their usual screenplay nomination.

The likely story: The only people that really loved this movie are the same few people that use words like "neo-noir."

Conspiracy theory: Hollywood is afraid the Coens are as smart as they think they are, and even if they aren't, they are still smarter than most of Hollywood, and, hell, you can't let guys like that get too powerful in this business, can you? We also have reason to believe powerful interests associated with Kodak were angered by the decision to shoot the film

ANGELINA JOLIE

Somehow overlooked for Best Picture despite her outstanding performance in Tomb Raider

The likely story: A woman as beautiful as Jolie can't get nominated unless she plays someone who is screwed up (See Girl, Interrupted). Oh, yeah, plus a lot of people hated the movie, and it's based on a video game, besides.

Conspiracy theory: The Academy unilaterally disenfranchised a whole bloc of voters by somehow tossing out the entire 13-year-old male vote.

KEVIN COSTNER

Somehow overlooked despite his towering screen presence in 3,000 Miles to Graceland

The likely story: Are you kidding? This movie was about as fresh and innovative as an Elvis impersonation that starts with "Thank you very much

Conspiracy theory: A vague coalition of rogue CIA agents, anti-Castro exiles, and assorted right-wingers and ex-government spooks orchestrated the effort to freeze out Costner.

FROM HELL

There are porn movies that got more consideration from the Academy this year than The Hughes' Brothers moody, atmospheric Jack the Ripper thriller.

The likely story: A movie this grim and uncommercial needs strong critical praise, which it didn't get, to make a dent at the Oscars.

Conspiracy theory: This movie posited a conspiracy among Masons. Do you know who happens to be a Mason? Only every single person in the country that has any power at all. This isn't rocket science, people! The Freemasons own all the patents to rocket science and won't let us talk about it.

SPIKE LEE

For the second year in a row, Spike was snubbed for his direction of Bamboozled.

The likely story: Well, the movie came out in 2000.

Conspiracy theory: As we mentioned last year, the Academy hates Spike Lee, and it is uncomfortable sanctioning any outspoken African-American director. A similar conspiracy has held back the New York Knicks this year, by the way.

JIM CARREY

Jim didn't get nominated for Best Actor even though he tried really, really hard in The Majestic.

The likely story: The Majestic stunk worse than Jim Belushi's sweatpants.

Conspiracy theory: The Academy doesn't respect poor Jim Carrey, they still think of him as the guy that talks out his ass, etc., etc. No doubt plenty of similar reasons will be given by Carrey himself when he presents at the MTV Movie Awards.

KEVIN SPACEY

Snubbed despite blatantly grabbing for it in The Shipping News and K-PAX

The likely story: Spacey or no Spacey, the movies received little critical or popular acclaim.

Conspiracy theory: Uh, let's see. The man played an alien. He raised the possibility of aliens coming to Earth. Akemay the inklay. That's all we're saying.

AUDREY TATAU

She managed to win the hearts of critics and, well, a few thousands of people that paid to see Amelie, but she did not win a Best Actress nomination.

The likely story: The overall lack of nominations for the movie indicates it peaked too early--if it peaked at all.

Conspiracy theory: America's wartime status has reminded everyone of good old fashioned, patriotic values-like the socially acceptability of discriminating against the French.

TOM CRUISE

No nomination from Vanilla Sky--and he messed up his face and everything!

The likely story: Cameron Crowe's trippy blend of genres came nowhere near the land of Oscar. We tried to find it ourselves one time and got stuck in People's Choice Awardsville.

Conspiracy theory: [Insert Scientology joke here] [Insert joke about not being able to joke about Scientology for fear of legal action here]

THE ENTIRE MOVIEGOING PUBLIC:

We all took it hard when Ethan Hawke got nominated for his turn in Training Day. Not that he was terrible or anything, but…I won't even rattle off the great performances that could have had the spot.

The likely story: The glow off co-star Denzel Washington's brilliant performance shone somehow extended to Hawke-and voters were caught in the lights. Hey, I know we're straining here, but do you have a better idea?

Conspiracy theory: This nomination, combined with the larger pattern of Ethan Hawke's continued ability to get roles in major motion pictures, can only mean one thing-he is the focal point of the biggest conspiracy of all-one that involves all sorts of nefarious inside forces, who have already selected the spawn of him and Uma Thurman to be the future Chosen One who shall lead us all, and furthermore-Hey, if this seems a little "out there," just remember this phrase: Academy Award-nominated Ethan Hawke.