As I've been gearing up for the Grammies recently (and, hoo boy, when I gear up or the Grammies-you just better stand back, is all), I can't help but notice a certain someone has been missing from the festivities for a while. That someone is John Denver. Who the hell does he think he is? He has skipped every show for the last few years.
I also got to thinking about the absence of Jacko-or as some prefer to call him, Michael Jackson-from recent shows. Sure, they have thrown a bone in past years with token nominations for things like "Best Dance Song," but really, the self-proclaimed King of Pop hasn't been making notable pop music at all. His latest album, Invincible, tanked. Jacko was nominated for Best Male Pop Vocal. Big deal. Jacko will not be there to perform or to accept an award. He may show up in the form of one of Jon Stewart's punchlines.
Clearly, the "King of Pop" is dead. Nobody cares anymore. Let's find a new King. But who? Well, I have analyzed a group of candidates in an effort to find the ideal heir to the throne.
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USHER |
Credientials: Already seems to be trying to do a mini-Jacko act-has some of the moves and at least some degree of musical talent. Was at the Jacko 30TH anniversary self-celebration last year. |
Debits: Should be automatically disqualified for his horrific film resume, including Texas Rangers. |
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LARRY KING |
Credientials: Already seems to be trying to do a mini-Jacko act-has some of the moves and at least some degree of musical talent. Was at the Jacko 30TH anniversary self-celebration last year. |
Debits: Should be automatically disqualified for his horrific film resume, including Texas Rangers. |
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PAULA POUNDSTONE |
Credientials: Ambiguous sexuality makes the potential "Is she a King or a Queen?" controversy a non-issue. Can follow Jacko's tradition of tabloid headlines and also continue his proud tradition of regal child care standards. |
Debits: A King of Pop should at least have a steady job, and even To Tell the Truth hasn't taken her back yet. |
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JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE |
Credientials: Well, his band N Sync released a hit song called "Pop" last year. Plus he dates Britney Spears, who might make an appealing Queen. |
Debits: Hated by 95% of people over 18 who listen to music. |
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ALAN KING |
Credientials: Well…his last name is King. And about 40 years ago, he KILLED on The Ed Sullivan Show a few times. Come on, ask him. He'll tell you all about it. |
Debits: In terms of cultural relevance, see Larry King, above. Thinks "pop" is Rosemary Clooney and Perry Como. |
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NAT KING COLE |
Credientials: Silky smooth style gave him immense mainstream success. Proved continued relevancy in his "Unforgettable" recording with daughter Natalie. OK, so even that was years ago. That song ALONE still makes him more relevant than Jacko. |
Debits: The whole being dead thing. |
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KURT RUSSELL |
Credientials: Credibly portrayed the true King, Elvis Presley, in a TV movie years ago. |
Debits: The thought of Queen Goldie Hawn giggling over jokes about the King's "scepter" is too much to bear. |
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NICOLAS CAGE |
Credientials: Relationship with Lisa Marie Presley could be a backdoor way to claiming himself as heir to the King's legacy. |
Debits: Had a window of opportunity to rule the box office, but has squandered it with-well, the whole last 3 years. Plus it seems that Lisa marie has dumped him like theaters dumped Captain Corelli's Mandolin. |
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JERRY "THE KING" LAWLER |
Credientials: WWF TV color commentator has already had the cool crown, robe, and royal theme music for years. |
Debits: Undignified constant yelping for women's "puppies," plus would always be susceptible to coup attempt from announcing rival Paul Heyman or debilitating fireball attack from Bill Dundee. |
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DAVID HASSELHOFF |
Credientials: Currently on the "new" TNN (motto: We've got POP") about 10 times a day with Baywatch reruns. |
Debits: Hasselhoff himself is likely the only person who watches Baywatch for Hasselhoff. Plus choosing him as King would give disproportionate world influence to Germany and upset balance of European powers. |
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JERMAINE JACKSON |
Credientials: He has the bloodline, assuming Jacko was actually born to human parents. |
Debits: To be totally honest, the guy's been coasting ever since "Do What You Do." |
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KING KONG |
Credientials: Physical presence would restore some sense of power and danger to the throne. Recently name-checked by Denzel Washington in Training Day; enthusiastic audience response proved Kong still has cachet. |
Debits: Artistic disappointment of Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes may have poisoned atmosphere for primates in general and chilled Kong's viability as a recording artist. |
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CONCLUSION: There appear to be a wide variety of candidates for the job, but all have their drawbacks. No one candidate stands out. That is why we have decided to throw our support behind a man who seems a dark horse, but is really quite logical. The new King of Pop should be…Zahir Shah, former King of Afghanistan.
After all, he is looking for a constituency. We all are looking to stabilize Afghanistan. What better way to bolster this man's unification credentials than to give him reign over billions of music fans? The move would demonstrate that popular music and culture do indeed have roles in post-Taliban Afghanistan. If anyone has access to His Royal Afghanistanness, for the good of music and international well-being, please pass along our suggestion.
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