ITEM: Swept Away tanks

Silver Lining: Well, the movie did so poorly that not many people actually know just how bad it really was.

Dark Cloud: Please! If Iraq were harboring copies of this film, we would have gone in there by now. This flick put a nail in Madonna's acting career so deep it probably punctured not only Guy Ritchie, but Sean Penn, too (think about it). Who thought people would want to spend time on a desert island with Madonna?

ITEM: Die Another Day single fails to catch on

Silver Lining: To be fair, some critics have said Madonna's contribution to the James Bond series is "catchy."

Dark Cloud: No way! Bond is not about those goofy electronic noises she has to throw into all her songs lately. Halle Berry overshadows her acting cameo in the film. Face it, in Bond lore, Shirley Bassey always will be higher. Maybe Madonna can snag the single for the next Ecks vs. Sever movie.

ITEM: Madonna poses for Vanity Fair layout and cover, but nobody cares

Silver Lining: The photos showed a relatively tasteful, classy side of Madonna.

Dark Cloud: Who is ever gonna believe Madonna is tasteful and classy? The fact is, Madonna on the cover of a magazine means about as much these days as touting an exclusive interview with Gretchen Mol.

Joni Mitchell tells W Magazine that Madonna "knocked the importance of talent out of the arena" and her success is due to "hiring the right people."

Silver Lining: Who really listens to Joni Mitchell anymore, anyway?

Dark Cloud: Plenty of people care about Joni Mitchell, at least those who have influence within the industry. As a matter of fact, if Joni Mitchell told people who have influence within the industry to jump off a cliff, they totally would.

ITEM: Frida is released to acclaim and success with no Madonna involvement whatsoever.

Silver Lining: Madonna has been engaged with many other projects while this movie was in development and production.

Dark Cloud: Yeah, other projects like…Swept Away! The fact is, Madonna had reportedly expressed interest in a Frida Kahlo project for years, but now Salma Hayek pulled it off without her. Well, maybe Madonna can finally get her dream role someday and play Eva Peron. Oh, that's right, she already did, and it came and went. Oops.

ITEM: The media kisses J. Lo's ass incessantly. Lopez seems to be the new multi-threat darling of the media.

Silver Lining: How could the media AVOID her ass? It is probably not any kind of indication that she has surpassed Madonna as a star, and besides, she isn't exactly a critical darling with her music.

Dark Cloud: Is Lopez a critical darling? No. A public darling? Apparently so. Plus even Ben Affleck could kick Guy Ritchie's ass. OK, so he'd need Matt Damon's help. The point is, Lopez is the woman that "does it all" in an entertainment sense these days. Madonna might still be the woman that "does it all" in a sexual sense, but nobody really wants to think about that anymore.

ITEM: Madonna is reduced to shilling Pepsi in upcoming TV ads

Silver Lining: Madonna has an opportunity to once again affect the public consciousness with wide-reaching TV ads.

Dark Cloud: The "Like A Prayer" Madonna was able to stir things up. Now what kind of controversy is she going to generate? Daring to drink the new blue Pepsi? Maybe if she really wants to shock us, she can be seen drinking Coke in public-wait, Britney already did that.

ITEM: Madonna not one of the announced inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Silver Lining: She isn't even eligible yet.

Dark Cloud: Eligible? The Madonna of yore was all about BREAKING the rules. She would have found a way to get in somehow.

ITEM: Madonna is nowhere to be seen on the just-released list of the BBC's 50 greatest songs.

Silver Lining: Well, she isn't British.

Dark Cloud: Not a Brit? What about the off again, on again accent? She can't have it both ways! The release of this list had to have been a big kidney pie in the face. The Monkees are on, and they're about as British as a gourmet meal. Well, except for the British guy. And even he sounds like he's faking it.

ITEM: Madonna autographed picture goes for only 10 bucks on Ebay.

Silver Lining: So what? The picture was probably a fake, anyway, and the buyer just wanted the photo.

Dark Cloud: The buyer DID just want the photo-Cultureshark tracked down Jeannette Poorman of Spokane, who told us she is actually a Warren Beatty fan and only bought the picture because it was a shot from Dick Tracy.

ITEM: Madonna is shut out at the recent Country Music Association Awards

Silver Lining: She's not a country artist-and she wasn't even nominated.

Dark Cloud: Oh, yeah? What about that video where she wore the cowboy getup and walked toward the camera like…like a cowboy? Huh? And since when is not getting any nominations such a badge of honor?

ITEM: Rocco gets bad gas, causes embarrassment at parentally supervised play date.

Silver Lining: Her son's problems are in no way connected to her status as a pop icon.

Dark Cloud: More like POOP icon. Ha ha! Get it? We probably should leave the kid out of it, though. It's not his fault he's gonna be Rocco Madonna for the rest of his life.

ITEM: Shanghai Surprise remains unavailable on DVD

Silver Lining: That isn't such a big deal when there are tons of movies, including certifiable classics, still not out on DVD.

Dark Cloud: The fact that the 16TH anniversary of this film is this year, yet nary an announcement that a DVD release is in the works, despite hundreds of other titles being released, is proof that Madonna's stock is lower than Time Warner's right now. Say, Madonna's record label, Maverick, is an affiliate of Time Warner's music division. The clear implication-Madonna has been driving Time Warner's stock price into the crapper.

ITEM: Recent conversation overheard on bus contains no mention of Madonna

Silver Lining: Not everyone in the world has to be talking about Madonna.

Dark Cloud: Hey, this proves the word on the street just isn't concerned with her anymore. It used to be the word on the street was "Madonna"-or at least it was something dirty, which, in certain contexts, sort of reminded you of Madonna.

ITEM: Cultureshark runs bitchy, insulting piece on Madonna.

Silver Lining: Hey, any publicity is good publicity, and this proves that, just like in the good old days, the woman will always draw intense reactions.

Dark Cloud: Actually, our humble website can't yet be considered "publicity." Without releasing specific hit counts, let's just say more people will see Swept Away than this article.