25) Wes Craven Presents: They
The Poop: As opposed to, what, Fellini presents They? Wait, strike that. I have a better version of this joke coming up later. Forget you even read this, OK?
The Magic Number: $51 million=opening gross of 8 Mile. It has nothing to do with They, but it has haunted me for weeks.

24) Extreme Ops
The Poop: Whoa! Dudes on snowboards and skis fighting baddies and doing stunts? This should be…a big old ball of suck. A SNOWball of suck. Ha ha! Get it?
The Magic Number: 3=as in, this should be an ESPN3 Original Movie.

23) The Wild Thornberrys Movie
The Poop: The latest entry from Nickelodeon's film division, which I believe is called Cheap Versions of Our Cheap Animated Kiddie Shows Films.
The Magic Number: 75=Running time (in minutes) which I will be shocked if this movie exceeds.

22) Pinocchio
The Poop: OK, listen very carefully, but make sure you're sitting down and keep the kids tucked away out of sight. In this movie, the title role--that's Pinocchio, stay with us, folks--is played by Roberto Benigni. All together now: Ewww.
The Magic Number: 50=Benigni's age, which really tells you all you need to know about this movie.

21) Adam Sandler's 8 Crazy Nights
The Poop: A cartoon about a guy that burps and farts a lot. Good thing the title ensures we won't mistake this for Fellini's 8 Crazy Nights. See? I like that joke better here.
The Magic Number: 9=Number of Crazy Nights there will be on the DVD when they throw in the special extended reprise of the "outhouse scene" with extra feces. Bonus features rule!

20) Friday After Next
The Poop: There is bound to be even more literal poop in this one than in the Sandler flick, especially considering they return that dad that craps a lot. They should call him Sir Crapsalot and let him duet with Cube. That video would be funnier than this flick, I'd wager.
The Magic Number: 4=Number of times per interview the film's stars insist these movies don't miss the original's Chris Tucker.

19) Emperor's Club
The Poop: This is bound to be oh, so inspirational. Kevin Kline is a teacher at a prep school who inspires his students. If you haven't seen this kind of thing before, brother, you ain't been to the movies.
The Magic Number: 1=The number of previous Dead Poets Society films that have been made. What, this isn't a sequel?

18) The Hot Chick
The Poop: Rob Schneider, that comic genius for the new millennium, is transformed into a high school chick as a result of a curse. Sort of makes up for the deal with the devil he made to make money off Deuce Bigalow and The Animal.
The Magic Number: 100%=percentage of Schneider movies that feature a cameo by his good buddy Adam Sandler. Believe it or not, this is considered a favor.

17) Star Trek: Nemesis
The Poop: What haven't we seen before in a Star Trek movie, besides an audience member who's had sex in the last year? This could very well be the last voyage of the Next Generation crew…unless this makes a ton of money, in which case, we'll see them again in 2005.
The Magic Number: EVEN=That's not really a number, but Trekkies (or Trekkers or Trekmeisters or whatever they prefer to be called) think the even-numbered films are always better than the odds.

16) The Hours
The Poop: To portray author Virginia Woolf, Nicole Kidman put on makeup that renders her virtually unrecognizable because…wait, why the hell DID she do that, anyway? Looks pretty silly to me. Anyway, this film is very literary and high-minded and all. It will, like, really broaden your horizons or something.
The Magic Number: 231=the approximate number of Oscar nominations accumulated by this cast. Just showing up will probably net them another several dozen or so.

15) Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
The Poop: Well, everyone knows about this movie by now. Does anyone else like to sit back and chuckle at all the Tolkien geeks who get all dressed up and get obsessive about these movies? Hey, by the way, has anyone seen my Simpsons Series 9 Professor Frink figure? I need him to complete my set.
The Magic Number: 13/4=the number of Oscars LOTR was nominated from/the number Ian McKellan won, despite doing everything but personally parking individual voter's cars to get the award.

14) Treasure Planet
The Poop: Have you ever wondered what Robert Louis Stevenson's classic Treasure Island would be like if it were in space? See, here's the thing--people that would wonder that would have to be on psychedelic drugs, but people who are on psychedelic drugs don't read the classics. Sounds like Disney's got a marketing nightmare on its hands here.
The Magic Number: 2.99=approximate price of a Happy Meal complete with Treasure Planet toy. Let's hope the movie sells a lot of these Happy Meals because it doesn't seem likely to do much box office.

13) Maid in Manhattan
The Poop: Ralph Fiennes is a Senatorial candidate (from the state of England, apparently) who falls for a hotel maid played by Jennifer Lopez. What will happen? Well, with J. Lo involved, it's a pretty safe bet they'll wind up married.
The Magic Number: 5=the reported number of carats in J Lo's engagement ring. What that has to do with this movie, I have no idea, but it seems to be something you have to bring up talking about her.

12) Analyze That
The Poop: That wacky gangster, played by Bobby DeNiro, returns for more hilarity with his slightly less wacky but still amusing therapist, played by Billy Crystal. God bless those amusing mobsters-they're national treasures!
The Magic Number: 75%=Approximate percentage of critics who will ask in their reviews, "What is the next one going to be called, Analyze the Other Thing?" as if nobody else thought of it.

11) Antwone Fisher
The Poop: Denzel Washington makes his directorial debut with a film that is bound to inspire us, touch our hearts, and uplift our souls. What is it about? I have no idea, but movies with people's names as titles always do all that stuff. Except maybe Dracula.
The Magic Number: 95%=Number of actors turned first-time directors who receive an Oscar nomination. The Academy loves to reward them. The only exception? Busted directed by Corey Feldman. It missed the application deadline.

10) The 25th Hour
The Poop: The latest Spike Lee joint looks at a man (Edward Norton) who spends one last night on the town after being sentenced to life in prison. Either a night on the town or spending a delightful last day with Keifer Sutherland by putting in that 24 boxed set.
The Magic Number: 8=number of times a day I call Ed Norton a "lucky SOB" for dating Salma Hayek.

9) Two Weeks Notice
The Poop: Haven't we all been clamoring for a Hugh Grant/Sandra Bullock romantic comedy? Well, they seem to think so. Me, I'm holding out for the Hugh Grant/Sandra Bullock Victorian-era class study.
The Magic Number: 2=The number of weeks notice longtime beleaguered assistant Sandra Bullock gives her boss (Grant) when she decides to leave. That's not incisive enough for you? Well, excuse us for not being Film Comment!

8) About Schmidt
The Poop: Supposedly this movie stars Jack Nicholson as a schlub. Yeah, right. What, he's got 100 level Lakers seats instead of courtside?
The Magic Number: 134/133=the number of movies Nicholson has starred in compared to the number of movies he has sneered in. Film archivists have been hunting the other one for years.

7) Chicago
The Poop: This looks to be a good old-fashioned movie musical the likes of which we just don't see much anymore. An even bigger novelty? Catherine Zeta-Jones in an actual movie instead of a damn phone ad. Also here is Richard Gere (Hey! That rhymed-like Underdog!) as a lawyer. I haven't seen the original play this is based on, but if Gere's playing him, I think it's a safe bet it's a smug lawyer.
The Magic Number: 1=number of people who have ever asked Richard Gere to sing (His mom coaxed him into a chorus of "Over the River and Through the Woods" when he was 8).

6) Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
The Poop: In an admirably effective and efficient creative/business partnership, George Clooney's brain handled this, his maiden directorial effort while his butt took an acting role to bring in the bucks (see #4). This is an adaptation of the autobiography in which game show legend Chuck Barris claimed to be a CIA hit man. I don't care if that's true or not, bringing the world The Gong Show is enough evil for one man's lifetime.
The Magic Number: 0=number of appearances by the original Unknown Comic in this movie. He is reportedly miffed about it, too. Maybe I'm missing something, but he always wore a bag on his head-why doesn't he just tell everyone it IS him?

5) Catch Me If You Can
The Poop: Steven Spielberg directs this adaptation of the true story of a con artist who changed identities as often as he did underwear (note to our readers: most people do this every day). Tom Hanks is an FBI agent who tries to catch him--if he can. Spielberg figures to bring emotional depth to a fun story by focusing on--oh, who cares, Leo's back! Catch us before we faint!
The Magic Number: 3=Steven Spielberg + Tom Hanks + Leo DiCaprio. Yeah, we pretty much just added them together to get 3. If you were expecting us to say that combination equals "magic" or "Oscar," well, sorry, the math just doesn't support that as convincingly.

4) Solaris
The Poop: Steven Soderbergh's reworking of a 30-year-old sci-fi epic features George Clooney's butt in a starring role. Soderbergh lobbied hard for the MPAA to give this a PG-13 instead of an R despite a notable cameo by Clooney's butt. That surely comes as a relief to teenagers who otherwise would have had to sneak in to see an arty, thoughtful, intelligent--wait, why we were worried about this, again? More proof that Clooney's butt is one of the Most Powerful Butts in Show Business. Whatever happens, the 6 people who saw the original movie will probably bitch.
The Magic Number: 99=the approximate running time in minutes. Just a warning: This film has been described as "deliberate" and "meditative," which usually means "bring a pillow."

3) Die Another Day
The Poop: James Bond never gets old, despite what some grumpy naysayers will tell you. In fact, just to thumb his nose at critics, in one scene Pierce Brosnan actually jumps on water skis over a shark.
The Magic Number: 1=the number of Oscars Hale Berry, who plays Bond girl Jinx, has won. Thank goodness she got that whole "acting" thing out of her system so now she can go back to wearing sexy outfits throughout her movies.

2) Adaptation
The Poop: Charlie Kaufman, the brilliant scribe who brought us Being John Malkovich, delivers a movie that promises to be equally entertaining and surprising. This movie, is also a Spike Jonze joint. Nicolas Cage plays...Kaufman, who wrote a movie about himself trying to write a movie about a book written by...wow, I just realized this movie is going to confuse a helluva lot of people. Let's just say it's cool because I say so.
The Magic Number: 2=Number of Nicolas Cage roles in the film. You may say, "Well, that's two more than I can usually stomach," to which we reply...nothing. We can't reply since we wrote this at least a week before you read it.

1) Gangs of New York
The Poop: Am I the only one who thinks this would be worth it just to see the return of Daniel Day Lewis to the big screen? This is the coolest movie of the season just because it's SCORCESE, man. Forget the delays and the controversy, nothing more need be said. When Marty Scorcese says everything's under control, I say everything's control. When Marty Scorcese invites me over for some baked ziti, I go over and enjoy some baked ziti. Not that THAT ever happened, but I'm just saying.
The Magic Number: 575 billion=I think this is the latest reported final budget of the movie. Wow, they're really gonna have a hard time living up to that one.

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