The American Film Institute recently priovided yet another movie list to inspuire argument and conversation about movies--and oh, yeah, to show a bunch of old clips and give CBS 3 hours of programming with which to sell commercials. It hasn't inspired much debate, though, at least not much that we've seen. Is the public all "listed out," or did this AFI list just not pass muster?

We hope it's the latter because we are about to present our own list. Here are a few of the heroes and villains that should have been on the list. The AFI may have missed these choices out of ignorance, oversight, or perhaps a plot by the Freemasons. But we never let our own ignorance stop us, we don't look over enough things to be guilty of overisght, and the Freemasons--well, we can't talk about that. Here are the lists:

HEROS

Gerard Depardieu as Andre (My Father the Hero): This is a no-brainer! The title of the movie tells us he's a hero. This man was one of the greatest fathers ever. He was willing to water-ski, to make people think he was a statutory rapist, and to generally look like a big oaf in order to protect his daughter. OK, the big oaf thing wasn't a huge stretch, but let's give this great man his due.

The Hell's Angels (Gimme Shelter): Ok, so a guy got fatally stabbed. That's the price you pay for good security. The Angels kept all those radical hippies in line and signalled an end to the sixties. Everyone could rejoice because that meant that the seventies could finally arrive and then...well, then...OK, well, it was only one more decade until the eighties.

R. Lee Ermey as Sgt. Hartman (Full Metal Jacket): One of the greatest American heroes in filmic history didn't care about breaking a few shells. He cared about making an omelet. And he cared about making the omelet the most powerful fighting omelet in the world so that it could win America a war by defeating another omelet halfway across the globe. Was his approach a little harsh? Perhaps. But a hero doesn't worry about his own number of friends or his own popularity if he is doing a greater good.

Fred Flintstone (A Man Called Flintstone): A former supervisor of mine called this the greatest spy movie of all time. He was a dmaned good supervisor, so I'm assuming he was a damned good judge of spy movies. Saving the world, fighting bad guys, making sweet love to Wilma--yeah, that's a hero.

Matt Dillon as Sam Lombardo (Wild Things): The guy got Neve Campbell and Denise Richards into bed at the same time. 'Nuff said.

VILLAINS

Lou Gehrig (Pride of the Yankees): Yes, the AFI put him on its heroes list. Well, that was just wrong. Think about it. First ol' Lou takes the first base job of poor old Wally Pipp. Then he keeps the job and hogs it for 14 years, playing 2,130 consecutive games. Come on, Lou, let someone else play! He's like the aging kid that insists on taking his spot in the neighborhood whiffleball game-always there, always at the same postion. Maybe because he brought the ball or something. If that wasn't bad enough, Lou gives the world a terrible disease and arrogantly names it after himself. Thanks a lot, Lou? Pride of the Yankees? More like shame, if you ask us.

Kevin Costner as Robin Hood (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves): He was an admitted thief, first of all, but more important is the insulting British accent he runs around with. His speech patterns ridiculed an entire people. He was clearly mocking not just people of his country, but English speakers all over the world. This disregard for the English language, even more than his outlaw behavior, makes him one of the all-time baddies.

Robert Rodriguez (Desperado): We are going to bend the rules a little bit here by featuring someone who was behind the camera on the movie and wasn't actually a character. However, the act of villainy he committed was egregious enough to warrant not just one, but probably two or three spots on any such list. He was the film editor on this project, and therefore he was the one that took beautiful footage of Salma Hayek, naked and doing it, and chopped it up until the images went by so quickly we didn't even have time to drool. Millions of children were scarred by trying to sneak a peek of the movie on video or Cinemax and then seeing just enough to tantalize them but not enough to fully understand what they were seeing. Damn you, Robert Rodriguez. Damn you.

Natalie Wood as Susan (Miracle on 34th Street): What kind of evil little girl doesn't believe in Santa Claus? The guy is just going around, ho-ho-hoing and being merry, and she had to try to ruin it for the whole world. She might as well have tried to spike New York City's egg nog supply. What a terrible little child! No, strike that--what a terrible villain.

Barbra Streisand (Pick a movie): Trey Parker and Matt Stone are a lot sharper than the eggheads at the AFI. how about the one where she played...uh, a singer? Or the one where she was...uh, that annoying lady? How can one of the most heinous celebrities in history not make a list of top villains?

Everybody in JFK: That's right, everyone. Everyone in this movie had at least some part in assassinating the President of the United States. I don't just mean everyone we saw--I mean, everyone that was in the physical universe depicted during the movie. So that's a few billion or so to add to the AFI's list right there.

Margot Kidder as Lois Lane (Superman II): She was plenty annoying in Superman: The Motion Picture, but she didn't cross over into hardcore villainy until the sequel, where she became the only force that could ever defeat Supes. How did she do this? By marrying him and making him give up his superpowers. After that, the Man of Steel became a big softie, getting shoved around by rednecks in greasy spoons and generally wussing it up.

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