"It gets kids to read..." Yeah, as long as it's books about Harry freakin' Potter.

All the adults that somehow found the time to read their first book in years picked this one. Then they have to brag about how they have rediscovered reading all of a sudden.

All the characters have annoyingly "whimsical" names. Look at Harry's chums: Ron Weasley is bad enough, but Hermione? Hermione? Where are the James Sullivans? The Mike Wazowskis? (Oh, yeah, they're in Monsters, Inc-the far superior movie that got overshadowed by Dumbledore and company)

The movie has all the records for the biggest opening of all time. That's all time. More than ANY other movie. (The fact that it broke some of the records of The Lost World is actually somewhat relieving, but still no reason to hate it any less)

The ridiculously massive stocks of Harry Potter toys are crowding the way cool Simpsons toys off store shelves.

Did this movie really need to be 2 hours and 33 minutes? Well, disciples will say it was necessary to "fit in all the good stuff of the book." We will say-"No. It didn't."

Predominantly British production and cast took jobs away from hard-working Americans! USA! USA!

The pseudo-sexual implications of the children "holding their brooms" between their legs as they "learn to fly" is totally inappropriate for a so-called family phenomenon.

There are gonna be tons more books, and there are gonna be plenty more movies, and no end is in sight.

Once again, a movie recycles the tired device of making the young hero an orphan. Why don't the kids from stable, loving home environments ever get to have special powers? Daniel Radcliffe's acting range goes all the way from boyish wonder to enthusiastic boyish wonder. Every 5 minutes in the movie, there is a shot of that kid's dopey grin.

The whole stupid thing has hogged the cover of every magazine lately except "Cosmo" – and even it had a story inside headlined, "Is your man a wizard in bed? How to make him a Harry Potter when the lights go out"

The sickening amount of commercial tie-ins. How many beloved children's icons do you know that have made it their mission to shill Coca-Cola around the world? (Note: Mean Joe Greene and Christina Aguilera do not count as beloved children's icons)

The labeling of non-magic practitioners as "Muggles" is exclusionary and particularly divisive in this time where unity is more important than ever.

The books keep getting bigger and bigger. Eventually Harry Potter and the One-Eyed Trouser Snake is gonna be 2,000 pages. Each store will get 10 copies of the book-and that stock will take up the entire floor. How will you be promoting reading then? Huh?

Type in "Harry Potter" in the search engine at amazon.com and you get 137 results in "books. Type in "Curious George" and you get 133.

The Harry Potter universe has something to appeal to every demo-except horny, beer-swilling 18 to 34-year-olds. Come on, can't J.K. Rowlings conjure up some scantily clad warrior princess for the gang to fight?

The introduction of yet another sport we don't need or care about-Quidditch, which seems to combine the worst of elements of several different sports. Can't we kill off the NHL and the WNBA before we get new sports going? Watch, as soon as that flying broom gets developed, we'll have greedy Quidditch players arguing with greedy Quidditch owners over Joe Fan's entertainment dollar.

Warner Brothers' insistence on adding what seemed like 20 minutes of previews before prints of the movie. Just seeing the trailers for Out Cold and that abominable Cuba Gooding dog sledding movie was enough to make me wish I could conduct a levitating spell.

You can actually buy glow-in-the-dark Harry Potter Band-aids.

Lost in all the tumult is the iconic status of MASH's beloved Colonel Sherman Potter. And that just ain't right.

The idea of doing this movie wasn't enticing enough to keep Steven Spielberg from doing A.I.

Each moment Alan Rickman spends doing these is a moment he isn't spending being some kick-ass scoundrel in a kick-ass movie.

Hagrid shows up at Harry's doorstep and takes him away to Hogwarts. What kind of message does it send to tell young boys it's ok to follow big burly men with long, bulky overcoats that are filled with goodies?

The whole thing foolishly promotes the stereotypes that owls are more intelligent than all the other birds. I think we can all agree that owls don't need their egos stroked any more than they already have been.

Because the promotion of magic is satanic and must be stopped at all costs. OK, we don't really believe that one. But you have to admit there's at least something shady about it.