CENTRAL PERK – All six Friends are hanging out. Like they do every single episode.

Monica: So, Chandler, honey, we're all dying to hear your big announcement!

Joey: Yeah, man, what do you got for us?

Phoebe: Oh, is this the "I'm Gay" speech?

Chandler: Phoebe! Don't be ridiculous!

(Monica is looking at Chandler, puzzled)

Chandler: Monica!

Monica: Oh, yeah...uh, PHOEBE! Don't be ridiculous!

(Phoebe shrugs)

Chandler: The reason I called you all here today is...I've decided to run for President.

(Silence)

Chandler: I always wanted to say that. Ha ha! (Laughs nervously)

Rachel: OK, I am SO missing Sex and the City right now.

Chandler: No, the real reason I called you here is because…well, we never meet anywhere else. But I wanted to TELL you that...the reason I have been, well, a bit erratic lately is...I am addicted to booze and painkillers.

(Everyone gasps)

Ross: Wow. That's pretty big news, Chandler. I don't know what to say.

Chandler: That's cool, but I just need your support, Ross.

Ross: Of course, man...it's just that I haven't really had to deal with something like this before. Except that time when a guy I worked with at the museum was hooked on pixie stix. (chuckles) I mean, he would have like two or three each DAY for a while and by the end of the day, he would get really hyper –

(Everyone is staring at him)

Ross: Uh, like I said, Chandler, I haven't had to deal with anything like this before.

Monica: Hey, come on, though, is it really such a big deal? I mean, couldn't we say that, in a way, Rachel is addicted to shopping, Joey is addicted to sandwiches...or Phoebe...

(Everyone looks at Phoebe)

Phoebe: Oh, trust me, you DON'T want to know!

Monica: You know I'm here for you, Chandler.

(She kisses him)

Joey: Hey Chandler, does that explain why your weight has been going way up and way down the last few years?

Chandler: Well, yes, that's a big part of it, Joey.

Joey: Aw, man!

Chandler: It's OK, Joey, I'm gonna deal with it.

Joey: No, I'm upset because I always hoped the weight loss was some kinda cool super power you were hiding from us.

Chandler: Don't be silly, Joe. How could I hide a power that awesome from my best friends?

(Joey slowly breaks into a big grin)

Joey: Yeah! I knew you were my buddy!

Chandler: So anyway, I have to get away to get a handle on this, so I'm going to a rehab clinic for a couple of months.

Ross: What? What about the courtside basketball tickets I got for you me and Joey? I went through hoops for those! Hey, get it, hoops?

(Silence again)

Ross: OK, I'm gonna shut up for the next couple of...days.

Rachel: Ooh, Chandler, do you have to miss that concert we were going to next week?

Phoebe: Um, yeah, and-you weren't taking me anywhere! I should be mad at you ALREADY!

Chandler: Gee, I kinda figured you guys would be a little more – what's the word I'm looking for – oh yeah, "NOT SELFISH!"

Rachel: Well, honey, come on-painkillers and alcohol? I work in the fashion industry, it takes more than that to impress me.

Joey: It's just whoa! Taking off for a few months?

Monica: Guys! Chandler needs our support right now. Honey, you can work your rehab around the wedding and we'll all be waiting –

Chandler: Uh, actually, Mon, I thought maybe we could postpone the wedding.

(Everyone gasps again)

Chandler: OK, a little of the gasping goes a long way...

Monica: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

Chandler: (covering his ear) On second thought, the gasping did have a certain subdued charm.

Monica: You're going to wreck our dreams! All that planning!

Chandler: What about wanting everything to be perfect? I'm trying to get my life in order so the wedding can be perfect!

Joey: Yeah, even ROSS was never loaded during any of his weddings! Wait a minute, I can never remember if we count the one with Rachel or not.

Ross: I guess it was usually AFTER the wedding when I needed the hard liquor.

Monica: And all over an addiction to..to..ot even a real drug!

Chandler: What, you rather I was on something like cocaine?

Monica: Maybe you should start. It'll be the only blow you'll be getting for a long time!

(Monica storms out)

Chandler: Come on, Monica! I was under a lot of pressure!

Phoebe: We should go talk to her, Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah, I think so, too. Don't worry, Chandler, we'll try to calm her down.

Chandler: Thanks guys, but she can be pretty stubborn.

Rachel: Well, at the very least, we can hide the cutlery.

Phoebe: Chandler, just between us, come on, what is it you really got hooked on?

Chandler: Phoebs, I'm telling you, booze and painkillers.

Phoebe: That's really it?

Chandler: Yes!

Phoebe: (pause) God, that IS kind of pitiful.

Chandler: You're all acting like you're MAD at me!

Rachel: Well, we did have a lot planned for the next couple of months. We have to go catch up with Monica –

Chandler: You're my FRIENDS, though! You know how many car crashes I've had in the past few months? What about friends don't let friends drink and drive?"

Rachel: Yeah, how about "friends know when to say when?"

Chandler: (pause) Yeah, Rach...for EACH OTHER!

Rachel: Oh, is that what that means? I always did think it was kind of vague.

Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler, the thing is, it is pretty rude to just wreck all of our plans by taking off for three months. OK, we'll see you later!

(Phoebe and Rachel leave)

Chandler: What's going on here? Well, you guys'll stand by me, right?

Joey: Sure, buddy. Even though it is kind of selfish of you to hit everyone with this now.

Ross: But we are always going to be here for you Chandler...and we'll help you get through this.

Joey: That's right – whoa! Check out that girl across the street.

Ross: Joey, this is hardly the time-oh my god, she's gonna walk right by.

Joey: Dibs!

Ross: What! You can't call "dibs!"

Joey: Can too!

(Both jostle on their way out the door)

Joey: Chandler, I'll be RIGHT back, as soon as...

Ross: Yeah, Chandler, he'll be right back as soon as I get her phone number...

(They both leave)

Chandler: They're gone! Monica walked out! And what was all that stuff about me being selfish? You know what? Friends really suck sometimes.

(He looks upward)

Chandler: Could I BE any lower than right now?

(Gunther comes over to pick up dishes)

Gunther: By the way, don't even THINK about bringing "outside substances" in here, booze boy.

Chandler: (looking up again): I'll take that as a "Yes."