Once again, the Grammies missed the ball on many of the most important happenings and events in music. Because of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences' narrow focus on "recordings," they miss the good stuff. At Cultureshark, we remedied the situation by holding our own ceremony, hosted by our own Backstage Ass.

Backstage Ass: Well, thanks everyone for attending what we call The Forgotten Grammies..,and let's hope they keep their short memories after they see how we appropriated all of their registered trademarks!

Looks like we have a lot of the big stars here. I see the lovely Jennifer Lopez, excuse me, "J-Lo," is in the house. Don't worry, I will not make any lame jokes about not being able to hide a gun in your dress. I won't do that. Surprisingly, though, I DO think you can fit the plot of The Wedding Planner in that outfit.

Speaking of weapons, I want to apologize for the troubles we had with the metal detector out front…it was a loaner from "The Forgotten Source Awards."

What a year it was in music, huh? There were some good albums like…uh…give me a minute. The Beatles had a great album. Not a bad song on that one. And Radiohead's album? Wow, that was some of the best, uh, bleeping I've ever heard!

Of course, there were some bad records released too…even by people who didn't have any connection to Lou Perlman. Kathie Lee Gifford released a pop album. It's so bad, even Napster users won't steal it. It's like a computer virus that ruins your hard drive by ADDING to it.

What's up with this crowd? I've heard better reaction for Lars Ulrich at a Napster board meeting. What is a Napster board meeting, anyway? Three teens in one of their mom's basements sharing a bong and a playstation?

Besides Lars and Napster, there was a lot of feuding in music this year…like the boy bands. N Sync set a record for first week sales…then the Backstreet Boys album came out and didn't do as nearly as well. But they still insisted that at the Super Bowl, they be introduced as "The world's most successful pop band." What a rivalry….Hey, Hanson's getting involved, too. Last week at their concert at the Sheboygan Mall they insisted they be introduced as "The cute boys with that catchy song a few years ago." Good to see they still have some clout.

Luckily we also see stars getting along. Like Britney wearing a shirt with "Madonna" on it…and Madonna wearing a shirt with "Britney" printed on it. That was nice. Then Madonna wore a shirt to promote her husband's movie Snatch. How sweet, huh? Eminem's wife was going to promote his newest project, but "I just smacked my motherf---ing bitch wife upside the head" wouldn't fit on just one t-shirt.

Where did that syllable go in the last joke? Ladies and gentlemen, and Marilyn Manson, how about a hand for Joe Lieberman, up in the booth with his hand on a red button. Only one hand is on the censor button because a check from David Geffen is in the other.

This is a good crowd. We hope you will be hip enough to appreciate the friendly, humorous spirit in which these awards are given. If that isn't the case, maybe the free drinks in the back will cool you down a little bit. Enough of this meaningless talk, though, let's get to the meaningless awards!

Here to present our first Forgotten Grammy, Carson Daly and Justin Timberlake!

Timberlake: Yo yo yo!
Daly: Hey, what's up, everybody?
Timberlake: Carson, you know, we have a lot in common.
Daly: We both claim to be down with religion?
Timberlake: No, I mean we both go into young virgins' bedrooms every day.
Daly: Ha ha! On TV, he means, Tara, if you're out there.
Timberlake: Yo, let's look at the nominees for Most Credible Portrayal of Herself as Virginal:

The nominees are:
Christina Aguilera (Daly snickers)
Timberlake: yo, what's up?
Daly: Nothing, man.
Daly: Britney Spears (Timberlake snickers)
Daly: What's up, JT?
Timberlake: Nothing. And the final nominee is Jessica Simpson.

And the Forgotten Grammy goes to...Jessica Simpson!

The virginal Jessica Simpson could not be here because she is innocently traveling on the road with her older rock-star boyfriend. We're sure she appreciates this award.

Backstage Ass: Ladies and gentlemen, here to present the next award, Boy George and Donnie Wahlberg!

Boy George: We are here to talk about boys, Donnie. Let me tell you, I used to love New Kids on the Block, and one guy in particular...
Wahlberg: I know what you're gonna say, George, but please...I feel, um, uncomfortable thinking of my image back then. I'm an actor now. I was in The Sixth Sense.
Boy George: Oh, I wasn't going to talk about your image in New Kids on the Block.
Wahlberg: Really? (brightening) Were you maybe going to talk about my...music?
Boy George: Oh, don't be silly, I was going to talk about JORDAN! HE was my favorite, let's talk about HIS image!
Wahlberg: (sighs) The nominees for Most Shameless Attempt to Cash in on the Boy Band Craze are:

O-town
2-gether
Whoever it was that sold N Sync's french toast on ebay

And the winner is O-Town.

Member #1: Thanks to everyone!
Member #2: Yes, thank you all very much. Thank you, Lou!
Member #3: And thanks to our families!
Member #4: And thanks to God.
Member #5: Yes, thank you. We are all grateful.
(pause)
Voice from offstage: "Thank you all very much!" "Thank you all very much!"
All members (simultaneously): Thank you very much!
(They all walk off)

Backstage Ass: Folks, put those hands together for Warren Beatty and Larry King!

King: Friends, what a show. How about that last Radiohead album. True genius, folks. And for my money, those girls in Dream can flat-out sing.
Beatty: We are here to present the Forgotten Grammy for Most Desperate Attempt to Stay Hip." Hey, Larry, is that a dig on me? Is that why I was asked to present this award?
King: I know that if you look up "classic" in the dictionary, you see a picture of you with the lovely Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde.
Beatty: I mean, my new movie, Town and Country, if it ever actually comes out, will be loved by all you young people.
King: What's it about?
Beatty: Middle-aged people and their relationship troubles.
(Long pause) King: The nominees are:

Bette Midler, for singing "Bawitdaba" on the premiere of her self-titled CBS sitcom
Aerosmith for letting Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake sing "Walk this Way" at the Super Bowl
Madonna for going out in public with a shirt that says "Britney"

King: And the winner is...Bette Midler!

Midler: Oh, thank you so much. You know I did try to use my own style on that song...but still...you GOT ME! This may sound like a negative award, but any publicity is good publicity at this point, right? Right now, I just want to say:
(starts rapping)
I got a sitcom and we call it Bette,
You think Nelly is slammin'? Ain't seen nothing yet...

Backstage Ass: OK, OK, I think it's time to cut that off. If there is one thing we stand for at Cultureshark, it is integrity. We will never sell out…until we get a good offer. Here to present the award for most blatant sell-out are Rage Against the Machine's Tom Morello and Tim Commerford!

Morello: Well, as you know, we had an incident at the MTV Awards here with Timmy, and you might think this would be an odd award for US to present, but fear not. Tim has promised to be on his best behavior. Right, Tim?
(silence)
Morello: Right? (he taps him on shoulder)
(Commerford slumps lifelessly to the ground)
Morello: Anyway, the nominees for Most Blatant Sell-Out are:

Sting for putting his song in a car ad
Sting for his numerous corporate gathering gigs
Ricky Martin for performing at the Bush Inaugural Weekend

Morello: And the winner is...Sting! For, uh, the car ad!

Sting: If putting my music on an ad that plays a million times gets people to put the bloody thing on the radio, so be it. I must keep my remarks short, since I'm playing at a Kraft Foods corporate gathering in an hour. Goodbye, all!
(rushes back towards podium)
Oh yeah, save the rainforest!

Backstage Ass: You know, we joke, but I just want to say we are decidedly neutral on the Eminem thing. To be honest, we don't see why he is considered such a "genius," though. It is sort of ironic that someone as homophobic as Eminem constantly has critics kissing his ass so much. Speaking of ol 'Em, please welcome Eminem's mother, Deborah Mathers-Briggs, and the Beaver, Jerry Mathers.

Debbie: You know, my son sure has caused a lot of controversy with some of the language in his records hasn't he, Jerry?
Jerry: You're asking for an opinion on crude language from a guy nicknamed "The Beaver."
Debbie: Point taken. Well, my son may be a profane hatemonger who defamed me, but I still think-you know, he's my son.
Jerry: And a lot of other people try to have it both ways on the Eminem issue, Deborah. Here, then, are the nominees for Funniest Attempt to Have It Both Ways on the Eminem Controversy:

MTV
The Real Grammies
His wife

Mathers: And the winner is: MTV!

Debbie: MTV could not send a representative because it said it was busy preparing another gimmicky hate crimes special. We accept it on their behalf! I love you son! But you're a liar!

Backstage Ass: Give it up for our next presenters, Kurt Loder and Fred Durst!

Loder: Apparently I'M not a "representative of MTV?"
Durst: Yo, let's just do this thing, man.
Loder: There are many great traditions in rock and roll...drugs, groupies, stealing other people's work and taking the credit for it, and of course, overexuberant fans trampling each other to death at rock concerts.
Durst: Big bummer.
Loder: We had our share of that this year, but we also had other unfortunate rock deaths.
Durst: Unfortunately, none of them was the a-hole from Creed.
Loder: Here are the nominees for Rock Death of the Year:

Joe C
The bassist from Loverboy

Durst: What? The bassist from LOVERBOY? No…nooo!!! (slumps over podium, crying) Say it ain't so?
Loder: Look, that's a little tasteless, Fred.
Durst: Oh, like YOU never smirked a comment about Loverboy on your little news updates?
Loder: Well, the guy has a name, you know.
Durst: Yeah? What is it? Do YOU know it?
(pause)
Loder: And the final nominee is – The Wallflowers.

Loder: And the winner is The Wallflowers!

Jakob Dylan: Well, I tried to be more open about my relationship with my dad, and nobody bought the album, even though everyone asked "What about Bob? What about Bob?" Well, thanks for the Grammy, and screw you everyone, I'm going back to being reclusive and mysterious.

Backstage Ass: I must apologize for this, folks, but we were scheduled to have Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman present this next award. Honest. But they split up. So let's movie on and announce the nominees for Best Baby are:

The nominees are:

Celine Dion's unborn baby
Madonna's baby Rocco
Lars Ulrich

Backstage Ass: And the winner for best baby – Madonna's boy Rocco!

Madonna could not be here, even though we told her ahead of time she was winning in a desperate attempt to get her to show up, but she did prepare this speech:

"Thank you darling, and we are very, very-
Oops, wait, she left instructions on how to read it. Sorry.
"Thank you, dahling, and we are veddy veddy grateful to all the commoners who voted for our baby, dahling, Rocco. He will be a fine lap and a right decent chap someday. Eh wot?"

Backstage Ass: Uh, thanks, Madonna. Well, we are, sadly, at the end of the show, but we still have our final Forgotten Grammy, for Recording of the Year. Who do we have presenting this?

Jennifer and Puffy? They are not gonna do it? OK, we have a substitute duo...rock legends Elton John and David Bowie!

Bowie: We were supposed to present Best Feud, but legal issues eliminated that category...
John: We used to have a bit of a feud, didn't we, dear?
Bowie: That we did, Elton. Or should I say (snickers) SIR Elton.
John: That's all in the past now. I can't even remember why we feuded.
Bowie: I think it started when I called you an old queen.
John: (agitated) And I called you a mixed up wanna-be DRAG queen!
Bowie: And then I called YOU...

Backstage Ass: Uh, we might have been better off with J.Lo and Puffy. Eminem will probably get along better with Elton at the Grammies. The nominees for Recording of the Year are:

Britney Spears' "Cussing in Brazil"
Willaim Shatner's Priceline version of Mahogany
Santana, "Smooth"

Backstage Ass: What? Didn't that damn Santana song win everything LAST year? Oh, wait, I'm getting a signal from our producer...just...read...the godda-
Ahem! Uh, the winner of Best Recording is — Willaim Shatner, Mahogany!

Shatner: Thank you. I am very honored. I want to thank the people at Priceline, where you can name your own price for groceries…well, not anymore, but you can name your price for gas…well, maybe not. You know, this reminds me of something amusing that happened back in '69, when an admiring fan approached me and said...

Backstage Ass: Let's pull the plug on this, everyone! Remember to tip your limo driver, or bribe him if you're caught with a firearm!

Shatner: She said, "Mr. Shatner, you really captured the SOUL of that piece, and I said..."

Backstage Ass: Don't mind the Captain! Power to the people! Rock on! Good night...