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The fall TV season has arrived and with it come many changes. I can barely handle the move of Judge Mathis to 5:00 in my area, let alone a massive slate of new fall shows. Nevertheless I have conducted my annual analysis of the 2002 season, compiling these lists of shows I will be avoiding and those I will eagerly check out. Instead of just doing two neat lists of 10 each, I have made 11 on the negative side and 9 on the positive. This reflects the fact that, well, the majority of what's on TV sucks.
As always, this analysis was formed after intense research, reading tea leaves, and consulting the movements of earthworms in the ground.
11 SHOWS I DON' WANT TO SEE
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Fastlane (Wednesdays at 9, Fox)
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Why not? As if being from the director of Charlie's Angels is not enough to set off the Crapometer, the show is supposedly inspired by The Fast and The Furious. It gets worse. One of the stars of this show about "young, hip cops" is Bill Bellamy. How does this guy keep getting chances to ruin movies television shows? Besides, he hasn't been "young" for about 5 flops or so.
On the other hand: On the bright side, Tiffani Thiessen is a brunette again. Incidentally, I think that according to the Tiffani Thiessen codebook, brunette hair means her character is NOT a bitch on this series. Hey, did you know there's a section in this codebook that says if she ever goes into porn, she'll add the "Amber" again?
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Everwood (Mondays at 8, WB)
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Why not? Remember when people used to use the insult "peckerwood?" Sure, it was crude and entirely low-class, but it got the job done. Now you barely hear it. Maybe if Sam Elliott is in a movie, you'll catch one or two, but otherwise, it's a dying insult. The reason I am talking about this is because there's this new WB family drama called Everwood about a brilliant but arrogant surgeon who packs up and moves to a small town after his wife dies. He has issues with his son. It sounds generic, it is generic, and what more can you expect me to say about the actual show?
On the other hand: Well, somebody called it the best new show of the season. Every year some show comes on the WB and someone calls it the best new show of the season. That has to be good for something…right?
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CSI Miami (Mondays at 10, CBS)
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Why not? Well, for one thing, I have never really been into CSI, so why should I pursue the spin-off? I mean, apart from the sexy location, the dynamic cast, and the generally solid reviews? More importantly, David Caruso heads this edition, and David, you broke my heart when you left NYPD Blue…broke it right in two. You have to earn my trust this time.
On the other hand: If Monday Night Football sucks (and so far the games haven't been instant classics) it's not like I'm gonna flip it to Crossing Jordan. The buzz on this show is pretty good, and who knows? Maybe soon they'll be calling the original CSI Non-Miami.
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Dinotopia (Thursdays at 8, ABC)
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Why not? Did you actually watch the miniseries in the spring? I couldn't get through 20 minutes of it at a time. Now it's gonna be on every week on the most competitive night of television. Well, competitive for NBC and CBS, anyway.
On the other hand: You know what I always say-kids love Dinosaurs. If I should happen to be forced to take in a small child, and a natural disaster knocks NBC off the air so I can't watch Friends, and the kid is crying uncontrollably, I may actually let him watch this show. It'll probably put the tyke right to sleep, just like it did me.
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That Was Then (Fridays at 9, ABC)
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Why not? Some dude is unhappy with his life and goes back to his teen years. This sounds an awful lot like the WB's similarly-themed Do Over. How do I choose between the two? Tell you what, I'll just skip them both.
On the other hand: I think this is the one (why bother trying to distinguish between two shows that will each be gone by 2003) with Jeffrey Tambor, star of the legendary TV show…The Ropers. And oh, yeah, something called The Larry Sanders Show, too.
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Presidio Med (Tuesdays at 10, CBS)
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Why not? A doctor show running opposite another doctor show (ABC's Meds)? How do I choose between the two? Tell you what, I'll just skip them both. HOWEVER, this show, unlike That Was Then, looks sufficiently Lifetime-esque that I would feel safe skipping it regardless.
On the other hand: Well, this look at a group of female doctors who get emotional about their patients would…it would probably…help me out here…it would balance me. Yes, it would help me reach my feminine side.
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Hidden Hills
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Why not? There is a lovely and talented woman named Paula Marshall, who is one of the stars of this sitcom. I admire her work and always enjoy watching her. However, every time she is given a series of her own, the series sinks like a rock. Therefore, why bother with this one?
On the other hand: This generic sitcom about suburban Los Angeles couples could surprise me. I would settle for just being funny.
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Girls Club (Mondays at 9, Fox)
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Why not? Is it only me who is sick of David E. Kelley? Granted, this look at a trio of young female attorneys promises to be less fanciful than Ally McBeal, but then most episodes of Barney are less fanciful than that.
On the other hand: I feel like such a pig for saying this about a show that likely will carry a message of female empowerment and sophistication, but…co-star Kathleen Robertson is really hot.
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Family Affair (Thursdays at 8, WB)
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Why not? Of all the shows to "revive" for the 21st century, why this one? What suit was sitting around coming up with ideas like, "You know what show would be killer with a modern sensibility--Family Affair!" Can't wait for the revamped Hazel and The Courtship of Eddie's Father at mid-season.
On the other hand: It might be worth checking these people out and getting to know them in case the fabled "curse" of the original show carries over. Not like Tim Curry didn't already curse himself, of course, with Muppet Treasure Island.
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Push, Nevada (Thursdays at 9, ABC)
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Why not? I have lost track of how many times this show has already been described as "quirky" or compared to Twin Peaks. It follows the travails of an IRS in search of stolen money. Because everyone in America really wants to root for an IRS agent. Then there is the gimmick that viewers can win real money themselves by tuning in and finding clues. BZZT! Hey, I watch TV to avoid thinking. If I want a puzzler, I'll play the lottery. If we all snub this series, maybe ABC will take it to the next level and actually send us checks for watching its shows.
On the other hand: Ben Affleck is an executive producer of this show. Wow, Ben Affleck! Sign me up. If there's one thing Ben Affleck knows, it's quality TV.
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Good Morning, Miami (Thursdays at 9:30, NBC)
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Why not? A sitcom about a crappy morning TV show? Bad morning television is much funnier when people are actually TRYING to be good-you know, like CBS' The Early Show.
On the other hand: Wait-Bryant Gumbel is free from CBS. I'm thinking November sweeps…stunt casting…Bryant Gumbel guest stars! I'm there, dude!
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9 SHOWS I WANT TO SEE
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Life with Bonnie (Tuesdays at 8:30, ABC)
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Why? Well, it's not that I relish the idea of seeing Bonnie Hunt's third try at the sitcom stardom every TV critic in America so badly wants for her. It's just that me seeing it is part of the cycle: Show gets hyped, I give it a shot, I am not impressed, nobody else in America actually watches it, she goes on Letterman's show, and he calls the network that axed her "a bunch of weasels."
On the other hand: Just because David Letterman says she's funny doesn't necessarily mean she always is. Now if Larry King said it-then that, my friend, can be taken to the bank.
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Birds of Prey (Wednesdays at 9:00, WB)
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Why? Let's see, goofy based on comic book premise-the spawn of Batman and Catwoman teams up with Batgirl and Black Canary to fight crime…and look really hot doing so, apparently. Hey, my inner geek runneth over. I think he tripped and fell, though-I hate when my stupid inner geek forgets to tie his shoes.
On the other hand: The flip side to this is, how many people can you actually approach at the water cooler Thursday morning and say, "Wow! That was some Birds of Prey last night, huh?" I mean, can I really admit to watching this and Charmed in the same week?
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In-Laws (Tuesdays at 8, NBC)
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Why? Sure, this is basically a big weekly Meet the Parents ripoff, but it stars my man, Dennis Farina. He's worth a shot-and if you don't give him one, he'd probably-well, he wouldn't kick your ass, maybe, but he might, like, blow cigar smoke in your general direction. Either way, it would be cool.
On the other hand: Doesn't seem likely to be funny week in and out. Plus I can tell just by looking at the ads I'm gonna be rooting for Farina to tear the poor schlub a new one every week.
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The Grubbs (Sundays at 9:30, Fox)
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Why? Randy Quaid steals every film he's in. The idea of him as the patriarch of a dysfunctional family, with Carol Kane as his wife, strikes me as-well, not particularly creative. But it sort of nudges me as being maybe a little bit funny. And I like the idea that he's living on a fake disability. There isn't enough insurance fraud in prime time these days.
Why not: A lot of those movies Quaid "stole" shouldn't even have been given away. Not to mention, this show doesn't actually debut until November. Two more National Lampoon's Vacations will have probably come out before we see it.
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8 Simple Rules (Tuesdays at 8, ABC)
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Why? The legend has returned to series TV-JOHN RITTER! From the ABC ad campaign, you'd think it was like Jackie Gleason had a new show. Still, it is good to see the star of such smashes as Hearts Afire and Three's a Crowd back. We should pay the proper respect by giving this show a chance.
On the other hand: Ritter's a father who stresses out about his ever-growing teenage daughters. This premises worries me. Will there still be ample room for hijinks? Maybe it's Ritter who'll be leaning with his ear against the wall and comically misinterpreting conversations-whatever. As long as someone's doing it.
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Robbery Homicide Division (Fridays at 10, CBS)
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Why? I'll check out this Michael Mann-produced show, which is about-well, I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. This is clearly a show about pet shelter workers. Anyway, I'll give anything Mann does a shot. As a bonus, on TV each episode's length, only 46 minutes or so, means we won't ever reach the bloated boredom of Man's Ali
On the other hand: Star Tom Sizemore is sort of like jalapeno poppers-good in small doses, but how much can you really take? Of course, he also makes your eyes water-when he's talking about his girl Heidi Fleiss, that is. Tom, you mushy old sentimental fool!
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Cedric the Entertainer Presents (Wednesdays at 8:30, Fox)
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Why? I will give this variety/sketch show a shot. Cedric is one of the Kings of Comedy, after all. And his beer commercials are pretty damn funny. By the way, what happens if one of the Kings of Comedy gets assassinated or abdicates early? Does someone else get to step up? Like maybe the Fresh Prince?
On the other hand: Cedric's beer commercials are generally only about a minute long.
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Hack (Fridays at 9, CBS)
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Why? The idea of a crime-fighting cabbie is just too good-and by "good" I mean "ridiculous"-to resist. Plus this stars two of my favorite character actors, David Morse and Andre Braugher-also known as "the guy from that movie," and "the guy from that TV show," respectively.
On the other hand: A show named after an irritating bodily function? Could be trouble. At least it's not Hock.
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The Twilight Zone (Wednesdays at 9, UPN)
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Why? Because it's the freaking Twilight Zone, that's why. OK, the franchise has already suffered through some weak revivals, but it still warrants a look.
On the other hand: When I think of "journeying into mystery and imagination," new series host Forrest Whitaker isn't the first thing that pops into my mind. Strangely enough, he does jump up there when I think of "wonder and amazement."
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