Undoubtedly you have seen various media sources proudly trumpet their own lists of the "best entertainers of 2002." Well, unlike those others, we don't feel compelled to put Nia Vardalos on just because her movie made 200 million bucks and then come up with some crap about how she "charmed a nation." No, we have far more arbitrary reasons for saluting the ones we do--but generally, we just liked what they did. So the crap we write is at least a bit more sincere.

We present our list in alphabetical order because, well, we're pretty close to mastering the alphabet right now, and we're anxious to show that off.

Simon Cowell: Sure, his "quips" as American Idol's evil judge often feel more than a bit contrived. Who cares? He was funny, bitchy, and the only consistently fun thing about American Idol. More importantly, by countering Speak-Hardly-Any-Evil judge Randy Jackson and Speak-"Evil?-I don't even know the meaning of the word" judge Paula Abdul, he sent a valuable message to America: If you suck, that's your problem, but if you insist on displaying your suckiness in public, it's OUR problem, and you deserve to be called on it.

Daniel Day Lewis' Mustache: A majestic, darkly menacing presence of its own, this sizable yet stylish thicket of facial hair elevated Daniel Day Lewis' performance from merely great to classic. The mustache steals every scene it is in. I mean, stealing any scene from Daniel Day Lewis' expressive face is accomplishment enough, but the 'stache went beyond that. It inspires conflicted emotions while invoking themes of unruliness and conflict. Yes, it serves as a metaphor for the dark past of America. U2's song that closes the film--The Hands That Built America--should have been revamped and titled The 'Stache That Built America.

Salma Hayek: Longtime readers of the site may have an inkling that, well, I kinda fancy this gal. But let's talk about her artistic accomplishments this year. Through her vision and drive, she brought to the screen a classy, provocative film about an artist. It was an art film that aimed high and was meant to be prestigious. And she was NAKED in it! I mean, naked all over the place! And dancing with Ashley Judd! And kissing--uh, sorry. I got carried away, but you have to give credit to an actress who is willing to be naked in a "serious" film that means so much to her. Let's hope other performers follow her courageous example in 2003.

Tony Kornheiser: The only thing worse than sitting in metro-area traffic is enduring it without a radio. Thankfully this year Tony Kornheiser was on the local station every weekday with his syndicated ESPN Radio show. He may digress every now and then by waxing philosophic about the lack of cobblers in America, for example, but the sports talk on this show is the best around. Kornheiser doesn't have athletes or coaches to come on and spout the usual inoffensive BS about doing our best, blah blah blah. Yeah, it's true--I'd rather hear the guys that cover the sports yak than the guys who actually play it. Tony's show is not just informative, it's entertaining, and the shtick about his self-confessed "orange" and "bald" appearance complements, not overwhelms, the sports gab. His greatest accomplishment, though, has been as co-host (with Michael Wilbon) of the lively, fast-paced Pardon the Interruption, a sports debate/talk show that is deceptively simple but always compelling. I don't get to see Tony as much as I get to hear him, but whenever I catch the show on TV, I set the remote down. If this wasn't enough, he still kicks out entertaining columns for The Washington Post. There are many things worth bitching about in sports, but Kornheiser is another good reason to stick with them.

David Morse AKA HACK: Many scoffed after hearing CBS was installing in its Friday lineup a drama about "a crime-fighting cabbie." Well, the joke is on them because HACK has made an impression with...well, me, a friend of mine…and at least a few other people. OK, the fact is the show gets good ratings but is still ignored by the media elite in NY and LA that would rather write about Alias every week. David Morse may not look as good in leather, but he donned a porkpie hat in one episode where he had to pretend he was "hip." And he, you know, kind of changed his voice in several episodes. So don't tell me about transformation, Alias fans. The thing is, David Morse used to be known as "that guy" who was so excellent in so many movies, but he is no longer a "mere" character actor. He is TV's best new character, a man who drives a cab into the dark streets of Philadelphia (right there he should get points for heroism) and seeks out the bad guys. Yet the character is complex, a tortured soul who is dealing with his own internal struggles as he helps others resolve theirs. That's right--we're talking Shakespeare-esque, people!

Pearl Jam: As I said in fall 2002, in 10 years or so, assuming these guys stick together, the media is gonna realize, "Hey, these guys have been putting out great music for a long time," and then perhaps Pearl Jam will get a U2-like appreciation for its achievements. In the meantime, the band will have to be content with putting out great albums that are appreciated by its loyal fan base if too readily ignored by a media that focuses on the fact it doesn't approach it's initial sales numbers. Sure, Eddie Vedder's politcal grandstanding makes him look like a kook sometimes, but you have to admire his (and the other guys') integrity. For fighting the good fight year in and year out and releasing another kick-ass album this particular year, Riot Act, Pearl Jam earns a slot as an Entertainer of the Year.

Tom Petty: What a coincidence. We set up the list alphabetically, and look who follows Pearl Jam: the best Grumpy Old Man in rock. It seems like Petty spent most of the year bitching about how crappy the record industry is. Some might have been turned off by that, but hey, he speaketh the truth, and he is usually quite funny about it. His album The Last DJ was not just a series of rants but a damned fine rock album. Bonus: He further proved he has a sense of humor to match his passion with a cool appearance on The Simpsons.

John C. Reilly: This guy was in 4-count 'em 4 major motion pictures this year. OK, we'll count 'em for you: The Good Girl, Gangs of New York, Chicago, and The Hours. He has always been a great character actor, one you can rely on to provide an interesting performance even when his film isn't so great. This was a breakout year in terms of him getting some pub, though. He took the role of "the husband" in The Hours and shined in an otherwise ponderous chick flick. In Chicago he played the wronged husband and surprised everyone by wringing genuine emotion out of a relatively small part. He especially surprised us with his standout song, "Mr. Cellophane." In The Good Girl, he was-surprise-a husband. Although he was written as a goof, Reilly made his character the most likable and watchable thing about the otherwise clumsy film. Finally, in Gangs, he played a brutal cop-probably someone's husband, too-and injected his role with a menace that was entirely convincing-and not seen in any of his other roles this year. Time to give this guy some props as Hollywood's All-Around MVP of 2002.

Silas Smedlap: This fiery dynamo kept the funny papers blazing in 2002 by heating up Mary Worth. Well, he didn't actually heat up Mary Worth the do-gooder, but Mary Worth the comic strip. Oh, this cantankerous hospital patient with a mysterious past tried to put the moves on Mary after she was kind to him while candy striping at the hospital, but Jeff Corey would have none of it. Smedlap isn't "a Gen X'er." He's more of a generation XXX'er with his salty language (like #@%^!) and flirtatious advances. He's a throwback to the old days when men were men, and he proves this with his old-school dialogue, quoting people like AL Jolson. "Smitty" Smedlap doesn't like hospitals, he thinks Mary Worth is hot, and he doesn't like to eat what he calls "feesh." This much we know from Smedlap's entertaining 2002 antics. What other secrets does he harbor? Well, one bright spot of 2003 is knowing that each day a simple opening of the newspaper will reveal a dialy glimpse of the wonder of Smedlap. Naysayers could complain about the comic strip's seeming lack of awareness of modern dialogue, society, or behavior. They could protest our choice of a man form a comic strip which takes a year to present one relatively sparse soap opera-style plotline. As Smedlap himself might say, "#@*!"

Yoda: Who knew the little green dude had it in him to kick so much ass? Well, all of us should have if we had been paying attention to the previous couple of Star Wars flicks. He IS some kind of a master Jedi, you know. Yet it was still surprising to see him face off with Count Dooku and unleash all those little flips, spins, and whatnot. Hell, just seeing him move without the cane was a treat, but Yoda's incredible array of movements-oh, let's just call it a spaz attack-OK, a JEDI spaz attack-provided rousing ovations in theaters. On top of his masterful all-around performance that added gravity to a film loaded with heavily criticized acting, Yoda's physicality gave one of the best scenes of the movie-the whole year, even. Anyone who grumpily says they didn't have fun watching Attack of the Clones must have been taking a leak during Yoda's fight scene.

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