The networks are trotting out their newest attempts to pacify us for 30 and 60 minute stretches. We try to remain positive and look at each show objectively, but we can't help but dread some of this stuff. The following is our dirty dozen of new TV shows that make us thankful we own a DVD player. It is based on thorough research and analysis, including sophisticated techniques like seeing commercials of the new shows and glancing at the full page ads that the networks took out in Entertainment Weekly. Oh, yeah, to be good sports, we include one possible ray of hope for each show.
(Note: We dedicate this article to the memory of one of the 12, Danny, which was canceled as we were preparing to run this very story. Danny, we hardly knew ye. But we were right about ye. Ye sucked.)
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Emeril
Tuesdays 8:30, NBC |
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What's up: Cooking with Emeril-but this time, in sitcom form!
Why we are pessimistic: You tell us – Who was sitting around coming up with ideas for sitcoms and thought, "Wow, you know I like Emeril Lagasse's cooking show. Let's make a comedy out of it? Hey, he's even got a catchphrase already – you know, 'BAM!'" On another note, why is it that TV producers see Robert Urich as a "talented veteran" that can energize a show, but the rest of us see his addition to the cast as "ratings poison?"
Ray of hope: Maybe as a result of this, we'll finally get the secret recipe to Robert Urich's legendary potato pancakes.
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Inside Schwartz
Thursdays, 8:30, NBC |
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What's up: A guy does what all guys do in sitcoms-basically, tries to get laid-but the twist is that his life is like a big sports metaphor, with referees and real sports stars popping up to do a running commentary.
Why we are pessimistic: Look at the time slot. Thursdays at 8:30 is like a giant black hole of suck, swallowing every sitcom that occupies it. This slot is so barren and desolate that U.S. Special Forces reportedly studied it in preparation for ground operations in Afghanistan.
Ray of hope: Will the return to sitcomland of the immortal Richard Kline (Larry Dallas from Three's Company) save this show? Uh, probably not. But it'll be sorta neat to see him again.
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One on One
Mondays, 8:30, UPN |
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What's up: A womanizing sportswriter tries to keep his daughter away from the opposite sex. Anyone else see a problem there?
Why we are pessimistic: It's a sitcom on UPN. Any questions? OK, you want more? The comic this show is built around is named Flex Alexander. Flex. You don't build sitcoms around guys named Flex. You build them around guys named Bob. Bill. Alf…OK, there are a lot of options, but "Flex" should not be one of them.
Ray of hope: Just by staking out its timeslot, this show could be keeping an even worse sitcom with bill Bellamy off the air. Wait, Bill Bellamy's got a sitcom on the WB? Uh, oh...
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Men, Women, and Dogs
Sundays, 8:30, WB |
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What's up: Yet another sure-to-be "sophisticated" comedy about young single adults on the WB. Oh, this time, they hang out at a dog park. Yippee.
Why we're pessimistic: The sad thing about this is not that it gives Bill Bellamy regular TV time once again. It's not that the premise is so weak it makes us yearn for "the good old days" of The Jamie Foxx Show. It's that we are so sick of inane relationship comedies that we actually would be willing to give a shot to a sictcom about the love lives of young single dogs. Unfortunately, this show is stupid enough to put "dogs" in the title, but not clever/stupid (there's a fine line) enough to actually go with that concept. So we'll be skipping this one.
Ray of hope: Some people that don't get Animal Planet might be comforted by the chance to see a cute dog on TV every now and then.
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Thieves
Fridays, 9:00, ABC |
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What's up: They're secret agents, they're hip, and...ooh, one's a BOY and one's a girl…you know what THAT means.
Why we are pessimistic: Yet another attempt to resurrect Moonlighting? You know, that show was really only good for a few seasons. But at least it had a young Bruce Willis, who was destined to become a major motion picture superstar. This one has an aging John Stamos, who is destined to become Rebecaa Romijn's ex-husband. The sparring between the two leads may be amusing, but this just seems like one of those straining-to-be-hip shows that won't really be hip.
Ray of hope: Barring a bizarre (yet admittedly curiosity-provoking) "Kokomo Undercover" scenario, the premise of the show seems to make the prospect of an episode where Stamos plays with the Beach Boys highly unlikely.
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Danny
Fridays, 8:30, CBS |
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What's up: Daniel (don't call me Kevin) Stern returns to TV as the manager of a community center (cute kid alert) who is raising his kids and living with his dad (cute old guy alert).
Why we're pessimistic: I don't know whose whiny voice I dread hearing more-one of those precocious kids or Stern. When you hear Stern as the narrator on The Wonder Years, he's easy to take as a sort of warm and nostalgic presence. Hearing him without the vision of a happier past is just another reminder that, as Butt-Head once said, "The more things change, the more they suck."
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Bob Patterson
(Just moved to Wednesdays at 9:30, ABC) |
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What's up: Jason Alexander returns to TV as a successful motivational speaker whose own life is chaotic. Or at the very least, not so motivated. Something like that.
Why we're pessimistic: It wouldn't be sporting of us to assume this will suck based on the fact that The Michael Richards Show did. Totally different show, totally different people involved, etc. However, here is a troubling thought: At least Michael Richards put his own name on his garbage dump. Alexander won't even do that. The very thought of Jason Alexander as a renowned motivational speaker is ludicrous. I'm supposed to think this guy could turn my life around? He hasn't been able to get me to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, and he's been on my TV trying to do that for MONTHS.
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According to Jim
Wednesdays, 8:30, ABC |
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What's up: Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith play a married couple who presumably do humorous married couple things with their adorable children. Another one of those crude big guy marries beautiful woman sitcoms. God bless television!
Why we are pessimistic: The promo ABC keeps running gives Belushi scratching his ass I wouldn't even sit and watch 30 minutes of Jessica Alba scratching her ass, let alone Jim Belushi. I would consider it, maybe even check out a few minutes, but-the point is Jim Belushi plus questionable hygiene does not equal comedy. And hey, don't you just love that title, which implies we are going to get advice or some other kind of wisdom from the man who couldn't see what K-9 would do to his career?
Ray of hope: Well, at least it's not Osmosis Jones. I mean we'll see plenty of the exterior of Jim Belushi, but not anything of the interior. God, let's hope so, anyway.
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Citizen Baines
Saturdays, 9:00, CBS |
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What's up: Senator loses an election, transitions to private life while dealing with his three adult daughters.
Why we are pessimistic: James Cromwell is surely a fine, upstanding gentleman. And if anyone had the title "Citizen," better him than, say, Robert Urich. But the thought of noble old Citizen Baines and his daughters fighting the good fight-and fighting each other-makes me a little wary. Actually, it puts me to sleep. Can't help thinking that Babe in the Capitol might be more entertaining.
Ray of hope: It's on Saturday nights, where at least it can't hurt too many people.
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Raising Dad
Fridays, 9:30, WB |
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What's up: Bob Saget is a widower raising two daughters with the help of his father. The Full House comeback continues...
Why we're pessimistic: Bob Saget? Cute kids? AARGH! And they throw in an old guy, too. How in the hell did this and Danny,/I> wind up in the same fall season, let alone on the SAME NIGHT?
Ray of hope: At least Dave Coulier isn't back on TV...yet.
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Wolf Lake
Wednesdays, 10:00, CBS |
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What's up: Let's just put the exact synopsis up from CBS' official website: "Something strange is going on in the small Pacific Northwest town of Wolf Lake. Something deadly. The residents are humans who can shapeshift into wolves. Trouble is brewing as the balance of power among the townspeople is about to shift along with the power from one alpha (leader) wolf to the next. "
Why we're pessimistic: That pretty much speaks for itself, doesn't it?
Ray of hope: If anyone was impressed by the gravitas Lou Diamond Phillips showed as a Sheriff in Bats, well, maybe you'll like him in the world of wolves.
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Law and Order: Criminal Intent
Sundays, 9:00, NBC |
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What's up: Dick Wolf continues his campaign to program NBC's ENTIRE prime-time lineup with the umpteenth version of his L&O franchise.
Why we're pessimistic: It's quite simple. These shows are never bad, really, and the always-entertaining Vincent D'onofrio heads the cast, but come on! It's just overkill at this point. What's next? Law and Order: Custodial Services?
Ray of hope: The potential for guest appearances galore by Jerry Orbach ("Briscoe" on L&O). Anything that leads to more Jerry Orbach on TV is a good thing. Except Murder She Wrote reruns or countless showings of Dirty Dancing on TNT.
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