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The F.B.I. confirmed last week that it had been alerted of an attempt to kidnap Russell Crowe. Our first reaction was who in the hell would be stupid enough to try to kidnap Russell Crowe? Nevertheless, the threat was real-so real that the star has been surrounded by security guards lately-and we have assembled a list of suspects.
Despite the danger, Crowe has not been in hiding. He is going to awards shows such as the recent SAG Awards, where he-honestly-smiled. Several times. And he didn't even KNOW yet that we were on the case! Imagine how jolly he'll be once he sees this helpful piece. He'll be grinning harder than George Clooney at a strip club. We have come up with the 10 most likely suspects in the case. With this info, plus our tips on where to find the suspects and how to grab them, this should all be resolved in no time.
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Joaquin Phoenix
Motivation: Phoenix was seeking revenge for what Maximus did to Commodus in Gladiator. Sound irrational? Yeah, well, so was his performance in To Die For.
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Last Seen: Telling people around him that his nomination for Best Supporting Actor "really doesn't mean all that much"-and almost convincing people.
How to Apprehend Him: Doesn't appear as susceptible to illicit substances as his brother. Try taking an ad out in the trades announcing you are casting a "quirky movie with edge" and need someone to play a sleazeball. Or you could just hit him on the head with a shovel. Hey, he would do the same to Russell Crowe if given the chance!
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Deranged fan Karen Armstrong
Motivation: She's deranged. She doesn't have to have motivation.
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Last Seen: Mailing a bulky 10,000 word letter to People for not including more photos of Crowe in its Golden Globes coverage. We still might not have found her if not for our diligent detective work, including checking out her website, iwannakidnaprussellcrowe.com.
How to Apprehend Her: Trying the old "forge a note saying Russell is coming to town" trick to lure her into a trap won't work, since she has an intricate knowledge of his handwriting. Try severing her cable connections so she can't monitor E! News Daily. Eventually she will leave the premises. Of course, you may have to also disable her backyard satellite dish, her Direct TV dish...
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Dennis Quaid
Motivation: Oh, come on.
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Last Seen: Dancing on top of a bar counter with a woman half his age. And-here's a shock-enjoying it.
How to Apprehend Him: Luckily, Quaid has been too busy groping every other female he sees to offer much resistance. His work in Frequency indicates he is drawn to bad Boston accents. Since we're guessing Kevin Costner is busy begging people to watch his movies, you'll have to refine your own. Make a "call" out of it to flush him out of his nightspots.
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Meg Ryan
Motivation: The fling is apparently kaput, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, unless the movie she does with the guy does a helluva lot better than $32 million domestic.
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Last Seen: Politely declining the 10,000th request to fake an orgasm while she is in public.
How to Apprehend Her: We never EVER condone putting children in danger. Therefore we will not even suggest anything related to her kid. Instead, try saying, loudly enough to be overheard, "I hear Tom Hanks is looking at developing that new romantic comedy for JULIA ROBERTS!" After that she will be easily apprehended
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Tom Hanks
Motivation: He plotted to kidnap his fellow Best Actor nominee-not so he himself could win the award, but so he could LOSE the award! That's right, Hanks is so darned gracious, he wants Crowe to get the award, and he thought the kidnap threat would tilt voter sympathy in his favor.
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Last Seen: Helping an old lady cross traffic the morning after the SAG Awards.
How to Apprehend Him: Pretend you are choking. Grab him after he rushes over to give you the Heimlich maneuver.
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Subcommandte Ramirez
Motivation: Angered by the portrayal of South American kidnappers in Proof of Life, he decided to extract revenge on the man he held most responsible. But then he realized nobody would care if he took Director Taylor Hackford, so he planned to grab Crowe instead.
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Last Seen: Hitting one of his subordinates in the skull with a rifle butt for not hitting one of their captives in the skull with a rifle butt.
How to Apprehend Him: Snatching the constantly mobile Ramirez will be a challenging task. You may have to work with his subordinates. Contact them and express your concern for the plight of the oppressed. Discuss ways to revitalize the global economic system so that the dispossessed will have voice. If that fails, just offer them a suitcase of money.
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Keanu Reeves
Motivation: Because, like, dude, there isn't room for, like, more than one, like side band led by a movie star, dude.
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Last Seen: Proving his indisputable deviousness by keeping a straight face while telling media he is "really proud" of Sweet November.
How to Apprehend Him: Wave a Playstation game nearby and say "Whoa! Anyone wanna check out this bitchin' vid with me?"
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Garth Adam, bassist for 30 Odd Foot of Grunts
Motivation: Have you ever heard of him? Exactly.
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Last Seen: Angrily cutting Crowe's head out of publicity photos and posters of the band
How to Apprehend Him: One word: groupies. Or, more specifically, groupies that know HIS name.
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David Caruso
Motivation: Angry with Crowe for letting his personal life make headlines as his big comeback movie, Proof of Life got pushed aside.
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Last Seen: Trying to secure financing for a made for TNT movie he is planning for next year.
How to Apprehend Him: Tell him that Rick Schroeder is leaving NYPD Blue and they need a replacement. He will be putty in your hands.
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Hugh Jackman
Motivation: Wanted to eliminate the main competition for "Hunkiest Aussie Import" (non Mel-Gibson division)
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Last Seen: Looking queasy after a screening of the final print of Swordfish, his upcoming movie with John Travolta.
How to Apprehend Him: Are you kidding? It's Wolverine, for Christ's sake, you're on your own on this one.
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