OK. You may be wondering-Ultimate Country Bears Review? Why, Cultureshark, why? Well, for one thing, it was clearly the second most anticipated movie of the summer. For another thing, it promised to be the best movie ever based on a theme park attraction (not counting the ill-fated 9 ˝ Weeks "ride" that lasted only 3 days at Hershey Park). For another-well, isn't that enough? Look, if you can recognize the brilliance of a movie where talking bears just happen to live alongside humans, and nobody questions that, then you will enjoy this movie. Actually, The Country Bears is not just a movie, but an event, so I felt it was necessary to describe the total experience of enjoying this mid-summer blockbuster.

When seeing a movie so eagerly awaited by millions, there is often a tension between wanting to see it as soon as possible and wanting to make sure you can get a ticket. I knew Country Bears lines would probably be extending out of the theater into another zip code, plus I was attending with a fellow movie lover, so I figured I could endure the agonizing wait until mid-week. I spent that long, tortuous opening weekend by visiting the official Country Bears website (where I electronically signed a petition to save Country Bear Hall), playing with my Country Bear toys from McDonald's, and of course updating my Country Bear Journal to record my thoughts as showtime drew nearer.

We went in the middle of the week to see the film, and surprisingly, there was plenty of parking. First I thought, well, everyone already saw it on the weekend, hence the empty spaces today. However, I quickly realized how absurdly insufficient that theory was. I mean, all those people would normally be coming back during the week to see it again-DUH! Therefore the only rational explanation for the plentiful parking and uncongested lobby-some kind of anthrax scare. Hey, that wasn't about to stop me from seeing The Country Bears. We went straight into the building to see our movie. I won't say we were particularly brave men-come on, it was the BEARS. Anyone else would have done the same. I can understand older people wanting to protect their kids, though.

The adventure at the local gigundaplex begins even before the curtains are drawn in the auditorium. No, there is a thrill ride there more exciting than anything Disney can ever offer--dealing with the Dragon Lady to purchase a ticket. Buying tickets doesn't sound like a hair-raising experience, but when the Dragon Lady is at the register, you have to be on your toes. Even the presence of an instant modern classic like The Country Bears had not mellowed her, and much to my delight she gave us that tantalizing sense of danger as she shrilly asked my friend if he had any quarters. Ah, my friend had the temerity to not bring exact change for the ride! This elicited a scowl and a head shake, and the classic line, "I'm running out of quarters." Of course, I followed and, having a weak constitution and knowing the movie was gonna give me more excitement than I could probably handle, I did pay with exact change. I took a peek inside her drawer (believe me, absolutely NO innuendo is intended there) and lo and behold, 4 unopened rolls of quarters.

The Dragon Lady's performance was part of the show, the EXPERIENCE of coming to see such a huge film event. Fortunately, there actually were some fellow moviegoers in the auditorium. This warmed my heart and made me excited because after all, a movie like The Country Bears-one that captures the zeitgeist-should be seen with a crowd.

Strangely enough, I heard a small child crying before the movie started. Tears of joy, no doubt. "I know how you feel," I thought to myself. Actually, I said it out loud, which would have been sort of embarrassing if anyone had been able to hear me over the sound of the child crying. Besides, most people in the theater were too busy paying attention to the "fun facts" flashing by on the screen before the movie started. Did you know Forest Whitaker made his directing debut on Waiting to Exhale? And did you know he will be hosting a Twilight Zone revival on UPN this fall? And hey, did you know Matthew Fox is starring in Hunted, also on-whaddya know-UPN this fall? I guarantee you I didn't know that, mainly because I don't know who the hell Matthew Fox is. My friend reminded me he was the dude on Party of Five. I didn't hold the fact that my friend knew that against him. After all, it was nearly time to enjoy The Country Bears

So-let's get to the movie itself. Was it as good as I expected? I must admit it wasn't.

It was EVEN BETTER! How can I begin to describe it? I could talk about the story, but it has so many twists and turns, that it would be criminal of me to spoil them for you. If you haven't seen it yet, shame on you! I can say that it is the saga of a young boy who happens to be a bear who embarks on a quest to reunite the legendary band known as the Country Bears. They get together to play a concert in order to prevent Country Bear Hall from being demolished by Christopher Walken, who plays…wait, I may be saying too much already.

Haley Joel Osment is almost universally acclaimed as one of the most skilled child actors of all time, but would his talents shine in a bear costume? Does a bear shit in the woods? The answer to both questions, of course, is yes, although this movie thankfully spares us any scenes of the Country Bears actually proving that. Maybe that will be a little something extra for the DVD. Anyway, Osment turns in an exhilarating performance as Beary Barrington, setting aside considerations of ego and letting himself BECOME the character.

Speaking of the cast, Christopher Walken almost does the impossible-steal the show from the bears-with his delightful comic turn as the bears' nemesis. His line readings are slightly askew, yet in that inimitable Walken fashion, they are perfect for the character. Adding further wacky support are Chill Mitchell and Deidrich Bader as police officers who may very well be the funniest screen cops since Police Academy V.

Director Peter Hastings could have just sat back and let this emotional, warmly comic story unfold, but he adds genuine art to the proceedings. Just check out the clever point-of-view shot of one of the bears as he experiences a back-scratching machine. Why, for a minute, I thought my OWN back was being scratched! His sense of pacing is unparalleled. No time is wasted on things like a complex plot. There is the main story, and all the details are filled out quickly and efficiently. When one of the bears says he misses his lost love, you just know she is gonna be there in the next scene and that she is going to reunite with him within about 30 seconds. That's just good efficient storytelling.

Do I even need to mention the music in this movie? The Country Bears band, with the help of some real musicians, makes a magical soundtrack. You can enjoy this movie as an invigorating road movie, a great coming of age story, or an engrossing comedy with heart. But let me tell you something. When those bears walk out on stage and start playing, all the other fantastic elements go out the window, and you are absorbed by the transcendence that is the music. When the Bears are on stage, playing, nothing else matters in the world.

If this sounds like an unabashed rave, well, that's what's intended. One more thing-in a movie filled with surprises, the celebrity cameos here make the ones in Goldmember look second-rate. It's just one more reason to rush to the theater to see The Country Bears. Sure, this will be one to own on video and watch repeatedly-but wouldn't you rather be able to say, years from now, that you saw it first on the big screen?

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