Ben Affleck to Josh Hartnett: Charisma

Ben's no Lawrence Olivier – or even Laurence Fishburne– but at least he is more interesting to watch than your average episode of The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. Maybe the Pearl Harbor stars could hang out together so something could rub off. As long as Matt doesn't get jealous.

Liz Hurley to Madonna: Her British accent

Finally the Material Bird could genuinely talk like her adopted countrymen – and sound sexier than she has in about 10 years, too.

Elton John to Winona Ryder: Some clothes

The man who has too many gives some spare outfits to the woman who, judging by her recent shoplifting bust, doesn't have enough. Did anyone else think she had too many clothes on in The Age of Innocence? OK, neither did we

Tim Robbins to Alec Baldwin: The ability to make political statements in Hollywood without coming off as a total prick

Robbins only comes off as an arrogant limousine liberal. Much better than a total prick.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone to Eddie Murphy: Edge

The recent family-friendly Eddie of flicks like Dr. Dolittle is OK, but we miss the wild, edgy comedian that lit up the screen on SNL, in 48 Hours, and who also tore up the concert stage. Bring him back, even if we risk going too far and turning him all the way back to the vain, lazy comedian that stunk it up in Harlem Nights.

Britney Spears to Mandy Moore: The name of her surgeon

Because after all, Mandy's about due. I mean, she's going on 17!

Daniel Day-Lewis to John Travolta: The ability to say "no"

Why is it one of the greatest actors of our generation sat out the last few years, while we had the "pleasure" of Lucky Numbers, Domestic Disturbance…

Whitney Houston to Mariah Carey: The movie career she has snorted away

Hey, at least Mariah can blame all her problems on Tommy Mottola and Jennifer Lopez. What's Whitney's excuse? Another benefit of this gift: No The Bodyguard 2.

Angelina Jolie to Rose McGowan: Some blood

Because Rose looks like she could she use a little color in her cheeks, and we know Angie's not shy about sharing it. And the ex-girlfriend of Marilyn Manson wouldn't have to worry about being tainted with "non-freaky" blood, either.

Julia Roberts to Sandra Bullock: Some of the scripts she gets to look at.

Why, oh, why, can't ol' Sandy get a break with a movie worthy of her talents? Blaming the Freemasons isn't an acceptable answer. They're still too busy screwing over Darryl Hannah.

Robert Urich to Top Cat: The services of his agent

After all, somehow Urich gets a chance to be in a TV series time and time again (latest offense: Emeril), while Top Cat still struggles to even get his reruns on Cartoon Network. We don't want to raise this ugly issue, but you have to wonder if the fact that he's yellow has anything to do with it.

David Lynch to Anne Heche: A private screening of Mulholland Drive

Because after Anne checks out the lesbian scenes in that flick, she'll know once and for all what the deal is with herself.

N Sync's Lance to Backstreet Boy A.J. His smile

Lance always looks so happy. Maybe he can cheer up ol' down in the dumps A.J. The nation's economy needs BOTH boy bands to be strong.

Hollywood to Halle Berry: Whatever she wants

After she selflessly gave so much of herself, baring her, um, heart, she's owed it. That $500,000? Merely a down payment.

The cast of Friends to the cast of Inside Schwartz: A cut of their massive salaries

Because if there is any justice in the universe, nobody involved with Schwartz will ever work in TV again.

Survivor producer Mark Burnett to Courtney Cox Arquette: A reality check.

Ok, maybe Burnett's brand of "reality" isn't entirely credible, but this Christmas, the best gift Courtney could get would be waking up and realizing she is married to David Arquette.

Quentin Tarantino to Kevin Costner: A tailor-made role in one of his movies

Wait a minute, Quentin does still make movies right? If he does, maybe he could write a part that could make Kevin Costner cool again. Er, for the first time.

Tupac Shakur to Axl Rose: His work ethic, or at least decisiveness

Despite the potential career handicap of deadness, 'Pac remains the Hardest Working Artist in rap, with two albums out by the time you finish this article. Meanwhile, we've been waiting for that new Guns and Roses album, Chinese Democracy, since the Ming dynasty.

Michael Douglas to Sharon Stone: An agreement to star in Basic Instinct 2 and help get it made

Let's face it, Mike is on top of the world, cranking out hit movies and babies with his glamorous movie-star wife. Meanwhile, Sharon tends to her hubby while he recovers from zoo injuries.

Tom Cruise to Nicole Kidman: Flowers

No special reason. Just seems like it would be a nice gesture.