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| By: Rick Brooks | |
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This article is a special look at an upcoming Cultureshark project. It has been in the works for over a year, and has gone through many changes. We refer to Band of Baldwins. Creator Rick Brooks has graciously agreed to share his thoughts on the web-only show and allowed us to share exclusive excerpts from incarnations that were changed or outright scrapped. This rare look behind the curtain will hopefully not make you see this as that old cliché, the "troubled project." Instead, it should only stimulate your appetite for more things Baldwin. Here then is our first look at…Band of Baldwins.
Cultureshark: So let's talk about Band of Baldwins.
Brooks: Well, the name has changed, but we'll get to that later.
Cultureshark: OK. Originally you wanted to present a story about a group of brothers fighting in a war…
Brooks: Right. Brothers that just happened to be Baldwins.
Cultureshark: Isn't that a little derivative of the HBO miniseries Band of Brothers? Especially with the title?
Brooks: First of all, wasn't the HBO thing based on a Stephen Ambrose book? He probably stole all his ideas from someone anyway, right? Secondly, there would be no confusion because that show was about so-called ordinary men. Our project was not about ordinary men-but about BALDWINS.
EXCERPT from Band of Baldwins
(The BALDWINS all crouch in a foxhole as bullets fly above them in a smoky haze)
ALEC: All right, boys, this is gonna be rough. But I need Daniel and Billy to secure that area over there so we can advance-
BILLY: Wait, why do WE have to go? And has anyone else noticed how bad this dust is on their hair?
DANIEL: Yeah, Alec, who put you in charge of every single mission we do?
ALEC: I am in charge here! I love you guys like brothers, but I am the one that's battle-tested here!
DANIEL: You mean from slugging Kim around?
(All except ALEC snicker)
ALEC: No! I mean my war against the damn paparazzi and the tabloid rags that print crap like that! That stuff is all lies, and you know it!
BILLY: Well, I still don't see how that makes you the boss of me.
DANIEL: What gives you the right to play God?
(ALEC looks away, biting his lip, then suddenly turns around, eyes blazing)
ALEC: I have been in dozens of major motion pictures. I was nominated for several People's Choice Awards, and my autograph went for 30 dollars on ebay last week. One word for me can determine whether a movie goes straight to Cinemax or gets a video release first. You ask me if I have a God complex? Let me tell you something. I am God.
(silence)
DANIEL: Christ, Alec, do you have to give us this speech every time we have an argument?
BILLY: Really, bro, why don't you just say "Because I'm the oldest!" and leave it at that?
ALEC: Never mind that! Has anyone seen your little brother?
(STEVEN suddenly rolls into the foxhole)
STEVEN: Hey, guys, look! This little pin thing right comes out of-
BALDWINS: NO!
[EXPLOSION]
Cultureshark: Of course, you decided to rework that show after the 9/11 attacks. Was it because you thought the nation would not respond to a faux military drama when Americans were fighting real battles?
Brooks: No, no, we changed it long before 9/11. It was because we quickly realized people did not want to see their beloved Baldwins in situations that could lead to them getting hurt or possibly killed. They are simply treasured too much to let people watch them in a gritty realistic war drama. It was the NEXT incarnation of the project that was affected by the post-9/11 climate…
EXCERPT from The Baldwin Brothers Comedy Hour
ALEC: So, Steven, do you know the difference between a Republican campaign contributor and a leech?
STEVEN: Oh, no, not one of those big political discussions, Alec. I'm still spinning from the last one.
ALEC: Steven, you should truly be ashamed of yourself for not being a more well-informed citizen.
STEVEN: Cut it out, Alec! Mom always liked you best! Anyway, I thought you were gonna leave the country if W. got elected!
ALEC (singing)
Sure, I said "I'm leavin',"
But I was just sayin'
The prez is a dope but
I still feel like stayin'
Brooks: Of course, it became socially unacceptable to make fun of the President, and we had to scrap THIS version of the show as well. The boys were really down about that one. Except Steven. He never really knew what we were going for.
Cultureshark: Yes, but then there was the ill-fated attempt to refashion the series into a show about the making of a boy band, to be known as B5.
EXCERPT from B5: Making the Band
BILLY: Alec, it's just not working, man.
(ALEC grunts mightily, straining to fit into a sequined pantsuit)
DANIEL: And they say I'M the beefy one?
(laughter)
ALEC: Damn it, I put on a few pounds when we attended that Kentucky Fried Chicken opening last week. Lay off!
CODY: I gotta say, guys, mine fits just right!
STEVEN: (holding a piece of sheet music) Hey, guys, uh, I think I got these words down, but, uh, how do you pronounce these all these black bars underneath them?
ALL THE BROTHERS: Steven!
Cultureshark: However, it quickly became apparent that the boy band craze was dying faster than Fair Game at the box office.
Brooks: That is correct.
Cultureshark: We have to ask-what is the deal with Cody?
Brooks: Well, we loved the 4 real Baldwins-they were great. Legends, almost. But we decided to inject a little new blood into the project--you know, just to liven the mix a little.
Cultureshark: Is it true that early versions of the show tested poorly with younger demographics and that's why you brought in the 18-year-old Cody?
Brooks: Absolutely not. We just wanted to create new opportunities by delivering a new character that could interact with the others.
Cultureshark: But is he even RELATED to the Baldwins?
Brooks: Let me tell you something, he's got that same squinty look. After hanging out together with them, he's really become one of the boys. If he wasn't a brother by birth, he sure is hell is a brother of theirs now after all they've been through together. I mean, the all-night Playstation hockey tournament they had last week-wow!
Cultureshark: Anyway, you finally decided just to go with a reality series and prepare it for webcasting. The revolutionary premise: It's almost like The Real World, only with the audience getting to watch actual celebrities doing their daily routines.
Brooks: This idea is a bit radical, but I think we have a winner.
EXCERPT from The Baldwins:
ALEC: OK, guys, you ready for our waxing appointment?
DANIEL: [Bleep] all, Alec, why do we have to go every [bleep] week?
ALEC: Because we're all [bleep] Baldwins!
CODY: I'll be waiting in the car, bros!
(the camera follows Cody out the door. We see him walk in slow motion, turning and smiling at the camera, then finally getting into the Baldwin's SUV)
BILLY: Alec, why do you let Danny bitch and moan about every [bleep] thing?
DANIEL: Oh, sod off and quit being such an annoying [bleep]
ALEC: I've had about enough from you for today. Billy, get in the car. Danny, you're going to get waxed! You don't HAVE to get full body waxes like Billy…but you're GOING TO GET WAXED!
DANIEL: (mumbling)
STEVEN: (puts finger in his ear) Hey, guys, I wonder if they can use some of this!
BALDWINS: STEVEN!
ALEC: [Bleep] [bleep]
(two minutes of CODY dancing in a nightclub follow)
Cultureshark: So you think this is actually gonna work?
Brooks: I am sure of it-mainly because the premise is so unique. I mean, where else can people see famous people-famous people that are all in a FAMILY, no less-just going about their everyday life? It's gonna be great.
Cultureshark: Is this website capable of handling the extra traffic and bandwidth demands associated by a project of this magnitude?
Brooks: We have already taken steps to prevent technical problems. I personally made a deal with all 23 members of the Baldwins' official fan club, and they have agreed not to all access the show at the same time.
Cultureshark: There you have it, folks…the most prestigious project to hit the web since…that thing with the cartoons. There is no guarantee that the show will not revert back to its original Band of Baldwins format by the time you actually see it, but isn't the fact that the Baldwins are in it the only thing that really matters?
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