The recent passing of Ann Landers left a void in the realm of giving sound advice to everyday people-ah, yes, EVERYDAY people. Another void has been out there even longer. Why has no one been providing sound advice for our beloved celebrities? Do they not have worries, problems, and concerns? Do they not need an objective ear to hear and respond to their woes?

We think they do. Accordingly, we have stepped up and decided to provide a regular forum for those poor incredibly rich and famous souls. Step up, celebs, and submit your queries to our own Dr. Shark. (Note: Some actual celebrity names have been withheld by request, while some actually already submitted their inquiries with a pseudonym)

Dear Dr. Shark,

I have discovered this wonderful, sexy, talented actress and we are deeply in love. However, in bed late at night, while she sleeps, I keep hearing her whisper the name "Puffy," who happens to be her ex. I am secure in our relationship, but this does concern me. How can I raise the issue with her without causing a big stink?
  --Matt's Buddy 4EVER

Dr. Shark replies:
That isn't her, that IS Puffy outside your window. Beef up your security-pronto.

Dear Dr. Shark,

I have avoided doing publicity ever since I performed a selfless Good Samaritan at that was misconstrued by the media. However, I will admit, I have an ego, and I would like to be out there and be more public. How can I do that without having to answer those tired questions about that incident?
  --Axel F.

Dr. Shark replies:
You are already on the right track. Keep making movies like Pluto Nash and soon people won't care about asking you anything.

Dear Dr. Shark,
I recently lost a talent competition. Getting there was an unbelievable experience and I love everybody connected with it, but I lost to someone else (who is incredibly talented and totally deserved to win it) and I have been a little down lately (even though I am happy for the winner and I have nothing but good things to say about the contest). How do I cope?
  --Justin

Dr Shark Replies:
What is there to cope with? You have almost as much name recognition, plus now you have the advantage of doing your own thing second, after the pressure is off. One word of advice, though-"Justin" is taken. How about going with something else, something that might toughen your image while you're at it-like maybe "Biff" or "Spike."

Dear Dr. Shark,
I recently resolved a suit against the tabs for printing topless photos of me sunbathing. I still feel invaded and humiliated by those scoundrels, though. I am afraid this won't be enough to prevent it from happening again. What can I do to stop them from taking these photos and invading my privacy?
  --The Good Girl

Dr. Shark replies:
Here's an idea-if you don't want photographers to take pictures of you topless, keep your clothes on in public.

Dear Dr. Shark,
I have had a war of words with a fellow musician over a famous woman we have both, you know, nailed. How can I get the dude to, like, just shut the hell up? He drives me up a damn wall because he's like with her all the time, like right in my face and shit.
  --Not in Crue Anymore, I Have My Own Band, Dammit

Dr. Shark replies:
How long have they been together? Chill out, dude, do you really think they'll still be together by the time I get this letter?

Dear Dr. Shark,
My daughter is famous, too, some might say she's almost as famous as I am, but we had our differences. Something about me not being there when she was growing up-you know, silly stuff like that. Recently I tried to reconcile with her, but she snubbed me. What should I do?
  --Midnight Cowboy

Dr. Shark replies:
Your daughter has plenty of issues to work out right now without revisiting the whole "Where's my daddy?" issue. My advice--seek out and adopt some other young Hollywood actress who actually wants a father. Drew Barrymore seems to need a strong male influence in her life. Maybe you could take her out for ice cream sometime.

Dear Dr. Shark,
My ex-boyfriend is, like me, very public and very famous. After we broke up, he was seen with other musicians, including one of my biggest rivals. And I KNOW he was totally just trying to get back at me! But I still think, even though, it didn't work out and I am incredibly mad at him, he's the love of my life. What should I do?
  --Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Dr. Shark replies:
Girlfriend, kick his ass to the curb! Or, uh, let his ass stay alongside the curb. Even in a no-parking zone. Whatever. My point is you don't need him, and you are way too sexy, young, sexy, and sexy to be tied down. I mean tied up. Feel free to write as often as you like.

Dear Dr. Shark,
I had a great run in action movies in the '70s and '80s, but I've hit a dry spell. Hollywood won't take my efforts to reinvent myself seriously anymore. My movies are going straight to video-if they're even released at all. How can I get people to respect me again?
  --Rocky

Dr. Shark replies:
Sorry, I didn't recognize your real name. Feel free to write back and give me more info. so I can assess your situation.

Dear Dr. Shark,
My ex-boyfriend who was not quite as famous as me (nobody is, really) married someone else and just made the cover of a magazine with his pregnant wife. Now I married someone myself but everyone thinks it's doomed to fail. Granted, I haven't had the best track record in the past, but I really want this one to last. That'll show my ex. Any tips?
  --Pretty Woman

Dr. Shark replies:
Have a baby. That always saves any marriage, celebrity or otherwise.

Dear Dr. Shark,
I don't really have any problems. I just want to say I'm rich, powerful, and I just hooked up with a glamorous, gorgeous movie star a few years ago and she's having babies for me even though I'm twice her age.
  --The Ragman's Son's Son

Dr. Shark replies:
You're right, you don't have any problems. I am going to step outside my detached professional demeanor to serve the purposes of everyone who might be reading this column. On behalf of America…damn you. Damn you.

Dear Dr. Shark,
I am one of the world's best R&B artists and my career was sky high until I had these allegations against me. Once you get a certain label that you like to do stuff, like they've been saying about me, you can't shake it. How can I get rid of this damn label they put on me?
P.S. I won't even say what that label is because it's all a lie.
  --I Believe I Can Beat This Rap

Dr. Shark replies:
You're exactly right. Labels are your problem-as in, if you are stupid enough to label your videotapes with a girl's name and age, no wonder you have problems now. I suggest labeling them with something like, say, "Hughleys, Season 3" and nobody will ever touch them.

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