Recently The National Enquirer shocked fans of '80s sitcoms everywhere by running photos of beloved ALF dad Willie Tanner, Max Wright, in a crack smoking tryst. The pictures were indeed jarring, but not so shocking to anyone plugged into Hollywood. We have discovered that NBC was already planning to make a Very Special reunion movie where ALF discovers Willie's drug problems. We have obtained a partial transcript.

As you read this, remember: Just Say No…to bad sitcoms.

(OPEN in Tanner household, Willie's bedroom. ALF has stumbled upon a small pipe and several bags)

Willie: ALF...give that back! What are you doing in here?

ALF: (cough) Excuse me. Don't change the subject, Willie.

Willie: We haven't even STARTED a subject yet. Now, give me those, uh, items, if you would...

ALF: So what is this, Willie?

Willie: It's just a pipe, ALF, but I need it very badly right now and I would appreciate it very much if you would –

ALF: Doesn't look like a regular pipe. And besides, I thought you hated smoking.

Willie: I am a grown man, Alf, and I can do –

ALF: And what's this?

(ALF picks up bags of cocaine)

Willie: Now, put that down, ALF. It is very valuable.

ALF: Hey, what's with all the sugar? Kate won't even let me put sugar on my pancakes, and you're hoarding it upstairs?

Willie: Yes, ALF, it's sugar. You got me. I'm a sugarholic. AND I NEED IT VERY BADLY.

(ALF looks closely at the bags)

ALF: What are you doing with a bunch of rocks? I know Kate's pancakes can be pretty brutal, but I fail to see how sprinkling rocks would help. (cough) Pardon me.

(ALF looks at bags again)

ALF: Hey, are these drugs? You always told Brian to stay away from drugs!

Willie: I am a grownup and Brian is a child. Or was until he ran away and joined that cult five years ago. And you are an alien who is going to be in big trouble if you don't give me my crack pipe!

ALF: Oh, so that's what this is? Hey, I saw Maury Povich talking about this stuff the other day.

(pause as Willie stands, sweating, with his face in his hands)

Alf: In case you were wondering, he's against it.

Willie: My foot is going to be against your REAR END if I don't get my things back!

Alf: Willie, I'm stunned. You're the man of the house. You're the rock. No pun intended. You're the one we all look up to.

(pause)

ALF: Quite frankly, you've always bored the heck out of us. But drugs, Willy? Couldn't you have just gotten a tattoo?

Willie: OK, ALF. Please don't make me beg. We can talk about right or wrong later, but the truth is I have a problem and I need that cocaine very badly.

ALF: Funny, but your priorities on morality were a lot different when I prepared that basting sauce for Lucky last week.

Willie: GIMME IT, ALF!

ALF: We had something like this on Melmac. It had this tasty chocolate coating and a delicious creamy middle. Plus it came in this little bars you could break off –

Willie: Are you comparing my very expensive cocaine to a stupid KIT KAT BAR?

ALF: Hey, how'd you know? Of course, it wasn't so addictive until they figured out they should put actual "cat" in there instead of peanut butter.

(Willie moves closer to ALF)

Willie: JUST HAND IT ALL OVER!

ALF: Hey, hey, come on. Pipe down, Willie. Ha! "PIPE down," get it? HA! I kill me!

Willie: You're gonna have to wait in line!

(Willie lunges at ALF, who slips into the bathroom and closes the door)

ALF: Willie, I've never seen you like this before. I've also never seen you in those pajamas before, and quite frankly, they don't flatter you.

(ALF opens the door)

ALF: Now, calm down and we can – (coughs) Sorry about that. (sneezes) Lucky's furball.

Willie: What?

ALF: Did I say Lucky's furball? I meant "Let's be careful." This is a delicate situation here. Now I am going to open these bags, like so,

Willie: ALF, no!

ALF: And then I am gonna –

(ALF sneezes a powerful sneeze and the powdered cocaine goes flying all over the place while the rocks are spilled on the floor. Willie runs in, slips on the crack, and suddenly we hear a loud CRUNCH)

Willie: My stash! My pipe!

ALF: Wow! Who could have seen all THAT coming?

Kate (off-camera): Honey? What's going on up there?

(Willie walks slowly towards ALF with arms stretched out in strangling gesture)

ALF: Now, don't be hasty Willie. Like I said, on Melmac, we had addicts, too.

Willie: Do they believe in God on Melmac, ALF? Because you'd better say your prayers!

(Willie lunges for ALF as we FADE TO BLACK)