Right now I would be reviewing the Rolling Stones' North American tour. However, I didn't actually attend when the World's Greatest Rock and Roll Band came to my area. I did get a taste of the concert from a cell phone-wielding friend, who called during "Start Me Up" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want." Was she generously sharing the experience or shamelessly taunting me? You be the judge. Meanwhile, I'll be the judge of the recent CD release, 40 Licks, a hits collection (with 4 originals) that features the new, spiffed up master recordings.

The audio on these redone songs is supposed to be great, but I didn't listen to the album on a high-end stereo system, but in my car--that's right, the Stones on the open road, baby! Therefore, I must admit that my window was down and the air was not remastered--digitally or otherwise--except maybe for the time I stuck my middle digit into skyward at someone who cut me off on the freeway.

In reviewing this CD, I have decided to determine whether the CD actually gives us 40 Licks or if it falls short. Certain songs may be worthy of more licks than others. Hey, they came up with the lame title, work with me, folks. It's sort of like we're answering the age-old question, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" However, that question somehow conjures up images of Mick Jagger with David Bowie, so I'm gonna ignore it for now.

Street Fighting Man: Can you actually imagine Mick Jagger in a street fight? No, but somehow this works anyway. I can imagine Keith being the crazy SOB everyone is afraid of just because he's so unpredictable. Actually I can then imagine him turning on Mick by bashing a steel chair over his head. (3 licks)

Gimme Shelter is indeed a kick-ass song. Though the lyrics could be seen as benign, it sounds dark and creepy in the delivery. Where is the danger in rock today? In the movie Gimme Shelter, the Hell's Angels KILL a dude during a Stones concert. I think someone spilled a little bit of beer on a dude next to him at the last Limp Bizkit show. (4 licks)

I Can't Get No Satisfaction: Not even the horrible impact of a Britney cover or Angelina Jolie's embarrassing singalong in Life or Something Like That can kill this song. (4 licks)

The Last Time: No discussion of the band's early music would be complete without mentioning the late Brian Jones. So…uh…Brian Jones. (3 licks)

Jumping Jack Flash: At one time this may have been one of the best rock singles of the sixties. Then Whoopi Goldberg came along and made a movie with the same title and ruined it for everyone (2 licks)

You Can't Always Get What You Want: Whatever happened to the choir that sang on this number? They should have formed a band called the Stones Kids and had tours, dolls, Colorforms sets-maybe even a cartoon where "Uncle Mick" drops by every now and then on the tour. Just keep the kids away from Uncle Bill Wyman. (3 licks)

19TH Nervous Breakdown: It cracks me up that Mike Myers does a Ron Wood impersonation. I mean Ron Wood? That's priceless. Where's the John Paul Jones imitation? (3 licks)

Not Fade Away: Musicologists might call this an example of the Stones' "bluesy roots." I don't know anything about music OR ology, so I'll just say it's a good song. (2 licks)

Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby: Something about the vibe and the happy horn sound on this one makes me picture the boys singing this on Hulabaloo while go-go dancers gyrate in the background (2 licks)

Sympathy for the Devil: Say one thing about this "devil" bloke-the way he says "pleased to meet you"-he's a rather polite chap. He tells the most interesting stories, too, like about that time in St. Petersburg. (3 licks)

Mother's Little Helper: If this song came out today, it would probably be used in some kind of prescription drug commercial, with puppies skipping through cornfields. (3 licks)

She's a Rainbow: The Stones at their trippiest. When I hear this song I like to picture the band on some sort of Willie Wonka set, with girls parading around dressed like rainbow cotton candy, and maybe some giant candy canes running around. (3 licks)

Get Off My Cloud: Thank God these guys came up with the idea of calling themselves The World's Greatest Rock and Roll Band. It sounds like just the kind of thing Deep Purple would have done if the name were still out there. (4 licks)

Wild Horses: When you start listening to the lame ballads on disc two, come back to this song to hear how they did it right. (3 licks)

Ruby Tuesday: The name of this song was changed at the last minute when an angry Bill Wyman was forcibly removed from a TGIFriday's. I always loved the way Mick says "She would never say where she came FROMMMM." He sounds like your dowdy old Auntie or something. "Auntie Mick, this is my mate Roger." "Oh, hello, Roger, and where are you FROMMMM?" (3 licks)

Paint It, Black: Simply put, if you don't have this on CD, the price of the album would be worth it just for this song alone. (4 licks)

Honky Tonk Women: I never liked WWF superstar The Honkytonk Man, but he was the longest-reigning Intercontinental champion of all time, so I have to respect him. Similarly, I was never fond of "Honky Tonk Women," but I have to recognize its place in history. (1 lick)

It's All Over Now: Why does this song never get played on the radio? Is it because Rod Stewart sang it, too? It doesn't stop them from playing Carole King. Unfortunately. (2 licks)

Let's Spend the Night Together: Lots of rock songs capture the desire to get laid, but not as many capture the urgency as well as this one does. (4 licks)

Start Me Up: This classic anthem has been diluted somewhat by its inclusion at every major sporting event over the past 20 years. After you hear it at a Major Indoor Lacrosse League event, it's hard to get riled up for it anymore. (3 licks)

Brown Sugar: Psst. Hey, you know what this song is about? Ooh, taboo! (2 licks)

Miss You: Hey, guys, take all the sex and drugs you want from the disco era, but leave the music alone, please. (-1 lick)

Beast of Burden: This song has been whittled down a bit for inclusion on this disc. It doesn't outrage me all that much except one full "lick" of this would have been preferable to any of those "new gems" on the disc. (2 licks)

Don't Stop: Through the years, the band has remained remarkably consistent as musicians. On this new track, they prove it by consistently repeating the title about a million times. (no licks)

Happy: Sounds a lot like some of their other songs, but that's not really a bad thing. (2 licks)

Angie: This song is supposedly about-uh-oh, Mick and Bowie images bombarding me again. Must stop. (3 licks)

You Got Me Rocking: The glory years may be over, but every few years, the guys put out a new single. This song is one of those. (no licks)

Shattered: An Integrative Arts prof I had used to pronounce it the ROLLING Stones as opposed to the Rolling STONES. I have no confusion about this song, which I pronounce as CRAP-py. (no licks)

Fool to Cry: Is this song a gag song? Who the hell wants to hear Mick Jagger singing to his daughter about how hard it is (how hard LIFE is, folks, even the Stones don't go that low). I could understand this getting on an LP as a joke, but it has about as much of a place on a compilation as Paul Shaffer's old commercial jingle for Rolling Stone magazine. Yet somehow it became a Top Ten single. (-4 licks)

Mixed Emotions: Definition of Mixed Emotions over the past 20 years: Good-hearing the Rolling Stones are going out on tour. Bad-hearing they are gonna play some their "new stuff." (1 lick)

Anybody Seen My Baby: Not a bad song, but I may be overrating it because of the giant Angelina Jolie in the video. If she kissed Mick Jagger, there would probably be some kind of explosion, with giant lip pieces raining down all over the earth. (1 lick)

Stealing My Heart: What's the deal with Charlie Watts? Keanu Reeves shows more expression. OK, I don't have anything else to add, but I am running out of ways to complain about the new tracks on this collection. (no licks)

Tumbling Dice: All I have to say about this is that it's one of the coolest songs of its era. (4 licks)

Undercover of the Night: I seem to recall this as the first real "MTV era" music video from the Stones. The fact I remember nothing about that video is probably significant. Continuing on this topic will only make me think of that Dancing in the Streets video-again, Mick and Bowie is just something I don't want to think about today. (No licks)

Emotional Rescue: I had forgotten about this song. Oh, to be unaware of it again. Apparently Mr. Bill took over on lead vocals for a few tracks in the late seventies. (-3 licks)

It's Only Rock and Roll: I was never fond of this song, but coming after some of the stuff on this disc, it sounds like a freakin' masterpiece. At least it IS rock and roll and not faux disco or whatever. (1 lick)

Losing My Touch: A slow, lifeless song that drains the life out of you. Good ol' Keith Richards sings on this one. Does anyone remember Keith's solo hit, "Take It So Hard?" I didn't think so. It may be related to the fact that Richards sounds like the equivalent of Mick Jagger without makeup, if he used makeup to sing. And on that note I think I've written enough about the Rolling Stones for a while. (-4 licks)

TOTAL LICKS=63

Interpret this number as you will, but I believe it proves the compilation, assuming you don't own all of the originals, was well worth plunking down an Alexander Hamilton. Buy it, enjoy it, and eat your heart out you weren't at the concert.

Cultureshark is a parody website not affiliated with any of the entertainment companies mentioned. But if anyone is interested, we will sell out at the drop of a hat.
Send comments to: webmaster@cultureshark.com
© 2000, Cultureshark.com