Sure, the critics are tearing it a hole even bigger than director Michael Bay's ego. So what? If you want us to pile on, look elsewhere on the site. We are going to look at the bright side of the movie and present some of the good th– well, there aren't really any good things, but maybe the things that don't totally suck.

It is uplifting: Unlike that downer of a movie Saving Private Ryan, it doesn't weigh us down with that pesky war theme. Instead, it puts the attack into real perspective by depicting it as a damned inconvenient interruption to the love life of young hotshot pilots.

It is good for Cuba: By totally reducing Cuba Gooding's Navy cook to an afterthought, and by not giving him much screen time, the movie thoughtfully prevents him from being typecast (after this and Navy Diver).

The dialogue isn't so bad: After all, not once does any character say "I feel the need for speed."

It is inspirational: It inspired hundreds of movie critics to come up with great puns like "Bora Bora Bora" in the headlines of their reviews. It also inspired many movie fans to go rent the far superior From Here to Eternity. Or at least to sit back and bitch about how the 50-year-old From Here to Eternity is so much better.

It is good for our nation's youth: Unlike Titanic, young girls won't give a rat's ass about the love story. Therefore, no cult will develop around Ben Affleck. Girls will not pine over him constantly. This will lead to increased productivity among our teenage girls, both in school and at their part-time jobs.

It is good for international relations: Not only does this movie do no harm to our nation's relations with the Japanese-the depiction of the attack as a noble decision that was forced by Americans cutting off their oil supply is probably even more positive than anything most Japanese have ever heard about it.

It reaffirms traditional American values: It does so by indicating that America can take a sneak attack or two and be gracious, but when you start shooting at our hot women, you've gone too far, dammit!

It is great for theater owners. The sluggish pace and bloated running time combine to send audiences out en masse to the concession stands. Theater owners, who make their profits from selling stale whoppers and watered down soda, will love this.

It helps our beloved veteran Hollywood actors: It gives Jon Voight a chance to prove he is not just Tomb Raider's dad. It gives Alec Baldwin a chance to prove he can still be in a movie that people pay to see. And it gives Tom Sizemore the chance to…well, to play the same guy he always plays, but in a movie with a really big budget!

It helps protect our inalienable right to summer fun: With its multiple screen presence and long running time, Pearl Harbor helps block smaller films from the multiplexes. As a result, there is less chance of moviegoers accidentally seeing something that makes them think or feel any genuine emotion this summer.